245 - Loved ones: You are not helping....245 - Loved ones: You are not helping....
Real Recovery Talk
In this episode Ben and I have a discussion around parents and loved ones of people trying to get clean and sober. There are times when they think that they are helping when in fact all they are doing is hurting. If parents and loved ones were able...
27:35•8 Jan 2023
Loved Ones, Stop "Helping" and Start Letting Recovery Happen
Episode Overview
- Well-meaning family help, such as paying bills or offering housing, can make drinking and drug use more comfortable and delay change.
- Written contracts, house rules and similar agreements rarely keep someone sober if they are not personally committed to recovery.
- Detaching with love means stopping financial and practical rescue while still expressing care, so consequences can motivate change.
- Control tools like GPS trackers, breathalyser apps and bank monitoring usually get outsmarted and create an exhausting, unsustainable system.
- Loved ones have no control over someone else’s sobriety, but they can choose to follow a clear plan with professionals rather than reacting from emotion.
“Love them from afar and kill them up close.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety? This conversation between host Tom Conrad and co-host Benjamin B. zooms in on one of the hardest pieces of the puzzle: family members who think they’re helping, but are actually standing in the way. A real-time situation with a young woman and her heavily drinking sister forms the backbone of the episode.
Ben walks through how a carefully planned route into detox and treatment was pushed aside when well-meaning relatives decided to bring her into their home and “keep her from drinking” with a written contract. As Tom bluntly puts it, “The contract in and of itself is as good as the paper that it’s written on.
They don’t work.” You’ll hear them break down why comfort and safety can quietly feed an addiction, especially when rent, cars and phones are paid for by worried parents. Ben explains the idea of “detach with love” – saying “I love you, but I’m no longer going to help you financially” – so that life becomes uncomfortable enough for change to actually happen.
The pair also poke gentle fun at common control strategies like GPS trackers, breathalyser apps and bank monitoring, pointing out that people in active addiction usually find ways around them. Their message is clear: loved ones can’t control someone into sobriety, but they can control whether they support recovery or support the addiction.
With a mix of humour, straight talk and a very human understanding of parental panic, this episode speaks directly to mums, dads, partners and siblings who feel torn between rescuing and stepping back. It’s aimed at anyone who’s exhausted by “trying everything” and is ready to hear why stepping aside and trusting professionals might be the real act of love. If you’re wondering whether you’re helping or hurting, this one will probably hit close to home.
Do you want to link to this podcast?
Get the buttons here!
More From This Show
The latest episodes from the same podcast.