Episode 71: She held the home. He led the city With Paul & Jill TenHakenEpisode 71: She held the home. He led the city With Paul & Jill TenHaken
Fortitude
Paul and Jill TenHaken share candid stories about marriage, faith and expectations while balancing public life and home. They talk about boundaries, mentoring, love languages and why accepting each other’s uniqueness has strengthened their relationship.
34:27•1 Apr 2026
Holding the Home, Leading the City: Paul & Jill TenHaken on Marriage, Faith and Oneness
Episode Overview
- Voice unsaid expectations in marriage instead of assuming the other person knows them.
- Accept that you cannot change your spouse; focus on adjusting your own behaviours out of love and respect.
- Guard your heart and mind by setting firm boundaries with technology and content that could lead to moral failure.
- Seek mentoring and role-model couples, especially through a church community, instead of trying to figure everything out alone.
- Learn how each partner feels loved, using concepts like love languages to keep connection and affirmation alive.
“You are not going to change your spouse. God made that person unique.”
What drives someone to seek a life of unity in marriage when public pressure, family demands and faith all collide? Episode 71 of Fortitude brings Paul and Jill TenHaken back into the studio, this time not as public figures, but as a husband and wife working out what "oneness" really looks like. Heather and Amos gently guide the pair through honest, often funny, and sometimes raw reflections on expectations, gender roles and faith.
Paul admits he “had to learn how to be married,” marrying at 21 and carrying in old ideas like, “dad comes home, cracks a Miller Lite, waits for dinner to be on the table.” Jill talks about the “unsaid expectations” they both brought into the relationship and how simply voicing them changed the dynamic. A key thread is the message that, as Paul puts it, “You are not going to change your spouse.
God made that person unique.” Instead, they focus on adjusting expectations, taking “extreme responsibility,” and choosing to honour each other while still staying true to how they believe God designed them. The conversation also tackles tougher territory: guarding against infidelity in an always-online world, setting boundaries with technology, and keeping a “heart posture” that takes temptation seriously.
They talk candidly about biblical headship, with Jill sharing that Paul saying he’s the leader of the house “just makes me proud because I know he can’t do it without me.” Mentoring and community get plenty of airtime too, with practical ideas on finding role-model couples through church and being brave enough to ask for help.
Rounding things out, they chat about love languages, tiny acts of affection in front of their kids, and why a simple “I’m so proud of you” still lands after 26 years. If you’re married, dating, or just curious how couples stay connected under pressure, this conversation might spark a few questions of your own about expectations, loyalty and love.
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