Farrell M. Age. 49 Sober: 1/6/00Farrell M. Age. 49 Sober: 1/6/00
Keep Coming Back: Real Stories of Sobriety & Recovery
How does one navigate the 12-steps in moments when a belief in a higher power is waning or even non-existent? This is a question nearly everyone has struggled with at some point in sobriety. In this interview Farrell and I discuss his road to a rehab center, early enthusiasm for AA, and the "god" moments in his story
49:59•20 Oct 2019
From Crack Benders to Quiet Faith: Farrell M on Staying Sober When God Feels Far Away
Episode Overview
- Staying open, even when you can’t say the word God, can keep you in the recovery process long enough for things to shift.
- Alcoholism distorts reality and often turns everything into a story where you’re the victim, so asking “What was my part?” is crucial.
- Early sobriety can mean wanting to drink and use every day; breaking time into tiny chunks and bargaining with yourself can get you through.
- A higher power can be experienced through action – showing up for meetings, family, work and sponsees – rather than through fixed beliefs.
- AA fellowship, sponsorship and service can shape not just how you live, but how you face illness, loss and eventually death.
“Stay open. It took me a year to say the word God, but I kept coming.”
How do people cope with the challenges of staying sober? This conversation between Mike S and Farrell M hits hard, mixing dark humour with brutal honesty about alcoholism, crack addiction and the messy early days of recovery. Farrell describes growing up as a “smart, fat sissy” in 1970s Connecticut, feeling isolated long before alcohol and drugs entered the picture.
He then lays out his progression from loving bar culture and cocaine to becoming, as he jokes, “the Charlie Brown of drug addicts” – a crack addict who didn’t even get skinny.
One of the most painful moments he shares is going to a prostitute’s flat, being asked to leave, and deciding, “The reason why he asked me to leave was because I was fat… That’s the lie that alcoholism told me,” before ending up on the floor trying to “rip the fat off” his body. For anyone wrestling with the 12 steps and a shaky belief in a higher power, this episode will feel very familiar.
Farrell talks frankly about going to rehab only because it was in sunny Florida with volleyball, trying to tune out the AA meetings, and then being unexpectedly struck by a speaker he had nothing in common with – yet relating completely to how the man felt about drinking. Much of the chat centres on step work, victim thinking, and the third step.
Farrell explains how he still struggles with the word “God”, but keeps praying and focuses on action: feeling close to something bigger when he’s in meetings, sponsoring men, helping his mum, or simply showing up at work. His main advice to newcomers is simple: “Stay open.” If you’ve ever wondered how someone can stay sober for decades while their faith goes up and down, you’ll likely recognise yourself in Farrell’s story – and maybe feel a bit less alone.
What would “staying open” look like for you today?
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