How to tell an addict or alcoholic you want a divorceHow to tell an addict or alcoholic you want a divorce
Addiction and Codependency Breakthrough
Heidi Rain talks about how to tell an addict or alcoholic that divorce is on the table, focusing on letting go of false responsibility, gaining clarity and creating a safe, practical plan. The conversation addresses codependency, guilt and the importance of prioritising one’s own safety and peace.
24:46•15 Jun 2023
How to Say You Want a Divorce from an Addict Without Losing Yourself
Episode Overview
- You are not responsible for another adult’s choices, relapse or self-destruction, and you do not have the power to control their behaviour.
- Before saying you want a divorce, be absolutely sure it is what you want and not a tactic to manipulate or push someone into treatment.
- Work through the deeper belief that you cause other people’s bad behaviour, as this often comes from long-standing codependent patterns.
- Create a clear personal plan for safety, logistics and boundaries before telling the person, including where, when and how you will communicate.
- You do not owe a face-to-face explanation to someone who has consistently harmed you, especially if you are likely to be gaslit or manipulated.
“You do not have that much power. You don’t make anybody do anything.”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey? This episode takes a raw, funny and straight-talking look at one of the hardest decisions someone in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic might face: saying, "I want a divorce." Host Heidi Rain doesn’t just hand over a script. She compares that to bad sex – quick, unsatisfying and missing all the important bits.
Instead, she walks you through the emotional pit stops that usually sit underneath the question, “How do I tell them?” Heidi starts with power and responsibility. Many partners fear that ending the relationship will cause the addict to spiral – go homeless, relapse or hurt themselves. She gently but firmly reminds them, “You don’t have that much power,” challenging deep-rooted beliefs that they are responsible for another adult’s behaviour. From there, she shifts to clarity.
Are you asking for a divorce because you’re truly done, or as a last-ditch ultimatum to force treatment? Heidi stresses that divorce should not be used as a manipulation tactic. She talks about helping clients reach a place of peace and certainty so they can leave “with no stone unturned” and minimal guilt. Finally, she gets practical: where to say it, when, who should be present, and why a public place or written letter might be safest.
She urges people to plan their own safety, housing, boundaries and communication ahead of time, instead of obsessing over how the other person might react. With a mix of humour, blunt honesty and fierce advocacy for those living with addiction and codependency, this episode speaks directly to anyone whispering, “Is it okay for me to leave?” and needing someone to fight for them as hard as they’ve fought for everyone else.
If that sounds familiar, what would it mean to prioritise your own safety and peace for a change?
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