Love is a battlefield: parenting an autistic childLove is a battlefield: parenting an autistic child
All In The Mind
Parents of a severely autistic child can be pushed to breaking point. Do we have unrealistic expectations of what they should be capable of? David and Karen Royko came to make an impossible decision about their son Ben, and share their story with candour and openness.
30:07•27 Jun 2009
Love, Autism and an Impossible Parenting Choice
Episode Overview
- Severe autism can turn everyday family life into ongoing crisis, with aggression, property damage and exhaustion becoming routine.
- Residential care may offer structure, staff and behavioural methods that parents simply cannot provide at home, even with dedication and love.
- Feelings of guilt and fear about “sending a child away” can sit alongside genuine relief and improved quality of life for everyone, including the child.
- Siblings such as Ben’s twin Jake carry their own emotional burden and need honest conversations about decisions and future responsibilities.
- Even with good support, parents remain anxious about long-term questions: funding, adult placements and who will care for their child after they are gone.
“I reached back, and patting his legs, said, that's right, Ben, d is for daddy, and daddy loves you so much.”
What emotional and inspiring tales of recovery are out there? This conversation from All In The Mind zeroes in on one family's reality of raising a severely autistic child, and the heartbreaking choice to place him in residential care. Journalist Natasha Mitchell speaks with psychologists Dave and Karen Royko about their son Ben, whose autism meant daily chaos, aggression and exhaustion at home.
Ben was “a toddler in a giant’s body”, and the couple describe cereal on the floor, smashed windows and violent outbursts as routine. Karen jokes about “benjuries”, but the humour sits alongside deep fatigue and fear. Their therapists’ suggestion of a residential placement initially horrifies Karen, who says, “He’s a baby… I can’t do that to him,” while Dave wrestles with feeling like the parent who wants to “ship his kid off to an institution”.
Their other son, Jake, also has to be brought into the decision, challenging them about whether this choice is really for Ben or for themselves. As they talk through the long tantrums, years of broken sleep and constant crisis, the picture slowly shifts. Residential care brings Ben intensive structure, behavioural support and life skills training, especially around toileting and aggression. Karen notes that he’s “actually much, much better” and that serious rages are now rare.
The interview doesn’t shy away from hard questions: who will care for Ben when his parents die, what happens when school funding ends, and how to plan for his adulthood.
Yet moments of tenderness shine through, like the car ride where Ben says, “d is for daddy,” and Dave replies, “that’s right, Ben, d is for daddy, and daddy loves you so much.” For anyone living with severe disability in the family, this episode offers honesty, dark humour and a raw look at impossible choices. It asks a quiet but urgent question: what does doing the best for your child really look like when love itself feels like a battlefield?
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