Mess it Up Show 449 - Valorous

Mess it Up Show 449 - Valorous

What makes a recovery story truly inspiring? This episode of Mess It Up turns a simple psychology concept into a relatable chat about sobriety, faith, and everyday conflict. The Bow Tie Guy digs into the classic fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses and shows how they show up in recovery and relationships. He admits he’s used all four, sharing a recent "mental battle" where he chose to fight, technically won, but was left drained and regretful.

As he puts it, "I won the fight, but the cost of victory was great for me." It’s raw, honest stuff that anyone wrestling with anger, anxiety or people-pleasing will recognise. You’ll hear how perception drives reactions, from his fear of cats to political disagreements. He challenges the idea that feeling threatened always means something truly is dangerous, pointing out how "misguided perception" can fuel prejudice, conflict, and emotional harm.

The discussion then shifts to the physical impact of stress – racing heart, adrenaline, and that jittery aftermath that can linger long after the argument ends. There’s also a powerful segment on how recovery changed his approach to conflict. He talks about once "relishing" verbal sparring, enjoying the rush of tearing people down, and how incarceration and Celebrate Recovery shifted his priorities.

One standout moment comes when his adult daughter calls out "the look" he gives that makes her feel small and insignificant, forcing him to confront the damage his behaviour caused. A brief song feature, "So Long" by Peter Burton, sparks reflection on letting go of guilt and saying goodbye to old patterns: "I’m leaving yesterday where it belongs." Throughout, the Bow Tie Guy keeps things light, conversational and faith-centred while asking hard questions about how we respond to stress.

If you're curious about how your own fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses might be affecting your recovery, relationships, and faith, this episode might be worth your time.