Playing hard to getPlaying hard to get
All In The Mind
Folk wisdom suggests that playing ‘hard to get’ can help you attract a potential partner. But many psychologists have been skeptical about whether it does have an effect in dating. Over the past few years several new studies on the effect have aimed to pin down the rare circumstances where it might actually be effective.
29:07•1 Nov 2020
Playing Hard to Get: Game, Habit, or Relationship Red Flag?
Episode Overview
- Playing hard to get can increase someone’s motivation to pursue you, but they may not actually like you more.
- Studies suggest avoidant women tend to play hard to get, while anxious men are more likely to pursue those who seem aloof.
- Modern dating platforms amplify mixed-signal tactics such as bread crumbing, ghosting and submarining, often leaving people confused and preoccupied.
- Some people may act hard to get without realising it, because it fits their attachment style rather than a conscious strategy.
- For those seeking lasting, fulfilling relationships, the guests emphasise open communication, authenticity and meeting people face-to-face over games or formulaic tactics.
“"At the end of the day, if what you're looking for is a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship, there's no replacement to being open about it and being authentic and communicating."”
What makes a recovery story truly inspiring? For many, it's the moment they recognise old patterns and choose to relate differently – and that's exactly the kind of self-reflection this conversation on "playing hard to get" invites. All In The Mind takes a cool, scientific look at a classic dating trope: acting aloof to seem more attractive.
Host Lynne Malcolm and ABC science reporter Carl Smith chat with psychologists Omri Gilleth, Paul Eastwick and marketing researcher Shen Shi Dai about what actually happens when people dial down their apparent interest. You’ll hear how playing hard to get has moved from old-school bar encounters to text messages, dating apps and behaviours like "bread crumbing", ghosting and even "submarining".
As Gilleth puts it, researchers are trying to understand this because "we're trying to understand it, then predict it, then potentially change it if we can". The episode breaks down who tends to play this game and who tends to chase. Studies suggest women high in avoidant attachment might act more distant, while anxious men are more likely to pursue someone who seems aloof.
That push–pull pattern can keep people stuck in relationships that don’t really match what they say they want. Shen Shi Dai’s speed-dating study adds another twist: playing hard to get can make already-interested people try harder to win someone over, but "they didn't like her, but they were compelled to try to win her over". Want pursuit? Maybe. Want genuine warmth and liking? That’s much less clear.
The tone stays curious and slightly cheeky, yet the message ends up pretty grounded: if you’re aiming for a long-term, healthy relationship, Gilleth stresses "there's no replacement to being open about it and being authentic and communicating." Anyone rethinking their patterns in love – especially those in recovery trying to build healthier bonds – may find plenty to reflect on here. How much of your dating style is habit, and how much is choice?
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