Sober Firsts: Making Amends (When “I’m Sorry” Gets Complicated)
Sober Firsts: Making Amends (When “I’m Sorry” Gets Complicated)

Recovery Rocks

Two sober friends share candid, often funny stories about their first experiences making amends in 12-step recovery, from supportive parents to hostile friends and delayed apologies. They unpack living amends, tricky situations where direct contact might hurt more, and the strange relief that comes from finally owning past harm.

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21:28•1 May 2026

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Sober Firsts and Messy Apologies: When Making Amends Gets Weird

Episode Overview

Making amends is about owning past behaviour and “cleaning up your side of the street,” not controlling how someone reacts.
Living amends can mean staying sober and behaving differently rather than relying only on spoken apologies.
Some amends unfold years later, showing that timing can matter as much as intention.
Direct contact isn’t always appropriate; writing a letter and destroying it or making a charitable gesture can still be meaningful.
It’s important to check motives, especially with ex-partners, to avoid using amends as an excuse to reconnect rather than to repair.

“You are not making amends to make the other person happy; you’re cleaning up your side of the street.”

What makes a recovery story truly inspiring? Here, two long-time sober friends swap war stories about Step Eight – making amends – and all the awkward, hilarious and painful moments that come with it. Lisa talks about working with a “hard-ass” sponsor who pushed her through a year of step work before she tackled amends.

She starts with her parents, only to realise, as she puts it, “the biggest amends I was ever going to make was to just not drink again” – a classic example of a “living amends.” Things get spicier when she approaches a friend who “had waited their entire life to just fucking tee off” on her. With her sponsor’s guidance, she learns that making amends is about “cleaning up your side of the street,” not managing anyone else’s reaction.

Anna shares amends that did not go to plan, like a friend who simply said “I can’t do this” and hung up. Years later, a random encounter at a smoothie place turns that same friend into her closest companion. Another amends arrives a decade late, outside a gym, when she finally says, “what I did was so wrong,” and hears a simple “thank you” back.

The conversation also tackles amends that might cause fresh harm – like Lisa’s ex-husband – and how writing a detailed letter and burning it can still count as meaningful work. There’s humour too, including Anna’s outrageous confession about tricking her grandmother into shoplifting sunglasses and later donating to an animal sanctuary in her name.

If you’re wondering how to say “I’m sorry” when the past feels messy, complicated, or downright embarrassing, this chat might give you some ideas, a bit of relief, and a reason to laugh at your own sober firsts. Whose name is still sitting on your amends list?

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