The LAVA Trap

The LAVA Trap

Curious about how others manage their sobriety journey when relationships get messy? This episode of Secret Life zooms in on a recovery concept Brianne Davis-Gantt calls "the lava trap"—and it hits right at the heart of love and addiction patterns. Brianne breaks down LAVA as Love, Attention, Validation, and Acceptance, explaining that these are completely normal human needs. The trap, she says, is believing that only one specific person can give you those feelings.

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, "I don't even want them back, I just want them to want me," or felt your mood swing wildly because of a text, silence, or social media activity, you’ll probably recognise yourself in what she describes. She walks through each part of LAVA: love becoming proof of worth, attention turning into a "hit" you keep chasing, validation from the same person who caused the hurt, and acceptance that makes you abandon your own boundaries.

Brianne links all of this to what she calls the "fantasy loop"—the mental cycle where thoughts trigger emotions, sensations drive behaviours, and a brief sense of relief keeps the obsession going. Rather than shaming anyone, Brianne invites you to notice patterns and ask deeper questions: What am I actually craving from this person? Am I attached to who they truly are or who I want them to become?

She offers seven practical signs of being in the lava trap and seven reflection questions to help separate your genuine needs from that one person you’ve put on a pedestal. Her message is clear: you don’t have to stop needing people, but you can stop making unhealthy or unavailable people the gatekeepers of your self-worth.

If you’re stuck in obsessive cycles around love, sex, or attention, this episode might be the nudge you need to start choosing yourself with more honesty and care. So, are you ready to ask what you’re really chasing—and what you could start giving to yourself instead?