What do I do with my grief?What do I do with my grief?
J Hirtle The Last Storyteller
Host Jim talks with psychologist Dr Audrey Davidheiser about her book on grief and how Internal Family Systems can help people relate differently to their pain. The conversation looks at loss, inner critics, numbing behaviours and faith, offering a gentle framework for those who feel stuck in mourning.
39:21•10 Jul 2026
Grieving Wholeheartedly: Making Friends with the Parts of You That Hurt
Episode Overview
- Grief can arise from many kinds of loss, not just death, and is described as a natural process that eventually changes but leaves a “new normal”.
- Internal Family Systems views the self as made of parts – managers, firefighters and exiles – each reacting differently to pain and grief.
- Firefighter parts may push towards numbing strategies such as substance use, overwork, compulsive spending, sex or sleep to escape difficult feelings.
- Trying to force yourself to “get over it” usually backfires; befriending and listening to your inner parts is presented as a gentler and more effective approach.
- Inner critics often grow louder after rejection or loss, and the episode suggests talking with them and tending to the wounded parts they are trying to protect.
“"Yes, absolutely. We do have more control over our grief, but it's not obtained by force. It's by friends."”
What drives someone to seek a way through grief that actually helps instead of just numbing out? This conversation between host Jim and psychologist Dr Audrey Davidheiser looks straight at that question, using her book *Grieving Wholeheartedly: Bringing Healing to Every Part of Your Soul* as a guide. Jim comes in as both host and fellow griever, sharing about friends who are stuck in mourning and his own losses.
Dr Davidheiser introduces Internal Family Systems (IFS), explaining that everyone has different “parts” inside – managers who try to keep things under control, exiles who carry deep pain, and firefighters who rush in with quick fixes. As she puts it, some of those firefighter strategies are things like “drink your sorrow away… shop online until you max out your credit cards… food addiction… or just go to sleep.” Instead of shaming those reactions, she suggests getting curious about them.
She stresses that we do have more influence over our grief than we think, but “the control… is not obtained by force. It’s by friends,” meaning by befriending these inner parts rather than fighting them. That idea can land especially strongly for anyone using substances or other compulsive habits to dodge painful feelings. The episode is aimed at people wrestling with loss of any kind – death, broken relationships, lost dreams, even repeated rejection as a writer.
Jim and Dr Davidheiser keep the tone down‑to‑earth, mixing psychology with faith, and using everyday examples like being the ‘strong one’ in the family or hiding behind overwork. You’ll hear practical language you can borrow, such as talking to the part that wants to avoid grief: “I understand your intention, but please let me be present.
Let me just mourn.” For anyone in recovery or supporting someone who’s grieving, this gentle, structured way of meeting pain from the inside out may spark some important questions: which part of you has been trying to cope alone, and what would happen if you actually listened to it?
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