Why do we crave closure?Why do we crave closure?
All In The Mind
Closure can feel like the ultimate solution to help us heal. But is it all it's cracked up to be? Today, we learn about ambiguous loss — the type of grief that comes without closure. We know navigating uncertainty is tricky, so what practical steps can we take to process this kind of loss? A heads up, this episode touches on some heavy topics around loss and trauma. Guests: Carly Dober Psychologist Dr Pauline Boss Professor emeritus, University of Minnesota Author, Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic Author, Change and Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief Credits: Presenter/producer: Sana Qadar Senior producer: James Bullen Producer: Rose Kerr Sound engineer: Roi Huberman More information: The psychology of closure — and why some need it more than others Motivated closing of the mind: "seizing" and "freezing" Beyond dogmatism: The need for closure as related to religion Need for cognitive closure, tolerance for ambiguity, and perfectionism in medical school applicants Ambiguous loss To explore more great episodes from the award-winning psychology podcast All in the Mind with host Sana Qadar, download the ABC Listen app (Australia) or search 'ABC All in the Mind podcast' wherever you get your podcasts. There you'll find more episodes on mental health, trauma, attachment theory, wellness hacks, and family relationships. You'll also hear interviews with experts like Esther Perel, Billy Garvey and Ethan Kross. All in the Mind is created for ABC's Radio National by specialist journalists and reporters at the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.
29:36•21 Aug 2026
Why Chasing Closure Can Keep You Stuck
Episode Overview
- Chasing closure as a single event can worsen mental health, especially when people expect it to "fix" conditions like PTSD or insomnia.
- Ambiguous loss—where there is no clear ending or answer—creates ongoing stress and often sparks conflict in families and relationships.
- Some personality styles and religious beliefs are linked with a stronger desire for order and closure, making uncertainty harder to tolerate.
- Strategies such as both-and thinking, symbolic acts like letter writing, movement, and creative activities can help people live with unresolved questions.
- Hinging recovery on another person’s explanation or response can be risky; support, education and new experiences can offer more reliable paths to healing.
“Closure is not the word you're looking for. You're looking for certainty.”
What drives someone to seek a neat ending to something that hurt them? This episode of All In The Mind takes that question seriously and gently pulls it apart, asking whether closure is actually what people think it is. Psychologist Carly Dober shares a personal story about trying to get closure through the legal system in her early 20s, hoping it would, as she puts it, "fix" her PTSD, insomnia and life.
Instead, the process "was disastrous" for her mental health and left her questioning the whole idea that one moment of justice or explanation could tidy up deep wounds. Host Sana Kadar then brings in Dr Pauline Boss, the researcher who coined the term "ambiguous loss" and wrote The Myth of Closure. Pauline’s blunt line – "Closure is not the word you're looking for. You're looking for certainty" – sets the tone.
She explains how losses without clear endings, like missing loved ones, dementia, or even losing a part of your body or identity, can keep people stuck chasing answers that may never come. You’ll hear how this shows up in everyday life too: friendship breakups that just fade out, betrayals, being passed over for a promotion, and the silent torture of obsessing over the "who, what, where, why" of a breakup.
Carly talks about clients who pin their healing on confronting those who hurt them, and the many ways that plan can backfire. Instead of one magic moment, the episode talks through practical ways to live with unanswered questions: writing and destroying letters, body-based activities, creativity, seeking novelty, trying "both-and" thinking, and finding shared humanity in other people’s stories.
Anyone sitting with unfinished business, grief, trauma or messy endings will likely see themselves in this conversation – and might start to wonder: what if healing doesn’t need an explanation first?
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