Why You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex (The Exaholic Cycle)Why You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex (The Exaholic Cycle)
Secret Life
Brianne Davis-Gantt explains the concept of being an "exaholic", linking emotional fixation on an ex to addictive cycles. She outlines why this happens in the brain and offers practical steps to cut the attachment and rebuild a stronger sense of self.
11:00•12 Oct 2026
Stuck on Your Ex: Breaking the Exaholic Cycle with Brianne Davis-Gantt
Episode Overview
- An exaholic is emotionally addicted to one specific former partner, experiencing cravings, withdrawal, and repeated contact despite knowing it’s unhealthy.
- The cycle typically moves through triggers, craving, relapse into contact, withdrawal, and a brief resolve before starting again.
- Intermittent reinforcement and intense highs and lows in the relationship create powerful dopamine-driven attachment.
- Breaking the cycle involves strict no contact, getting honest about why the relationship failed, and actively interrupting obsessive thought patterns.
- Healing includes reclaiming one’s own identity, naming what is truly being grieved, and resisting the urge to rush into a new relationship as a distraction.
“You are not stuck because they were the fucking one. You're stuck because something in you got hooked. Something in you got attached.”
Interested in the personal battles against addiction? This Secret Life episode zooms in on a different kind of dependency: being emotionally hooked on a former partner. Host Brianne Davis-Gantt breaks down what she calls the "exaholic cycle", inspired by therapist Dr Lisa Marie Bobby’s book *Exaholics*, and talks straight about why one specific ex can feel like a habit you can’t kick.
Brianne explains that an exaholic isn’t fixated on love in general, but on one person: "You become obsessed compulsively with one former partner... characterized by cravings, withdrawal, relapsing into contact or sight despite knowing the relationship is not good for you." She walks through familiar behaviours like replaying old conversations, stalking social media, rewriting the ending in your head, and feeling a huge rush when that person reaches out.
There’s even a pattern that mirrors substance addiction: trigger, craving, relapse, withdrawal, temporary resolve, then straight back into the loop. You’ll hear her talk about dopamine hits, intermittent reinforcement, and why inconsistent affection can feel more addictive than steady love. Brianne also looks at how this attachment can be less about the person and more about losing who you were with them: "Sometimes we don't just lose the person.
We lose the person who we were with them." The episode isn’t just about naming the problem; it offers clear steps to break the cycle. Brianne suggests cutting off the "dopamine drip" with strict no contact, getting brutally honest about why the relationship ended, interrupting obsessive thought loops, reclaiming your own identity, and understanding what you’re actually grieving.
She firmly calls out the popular advice to get over someone by getting under someone, saying it only drags the pattern into the next relationship. It all rounds off with a hopeful reminder: "Anything that's learned can be unlearned." If you’re stuck on an ex and tired of the mental merry-go-round, this conversation might be the reality check and gentle push you’ve been waiting for.
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