#130 – Casey Arrillaga: Addiction and the Family#130 – Casey Arrillaga: Addiction and the Family
Recovery Survey
Casey Arrillaga shares how addiction shaped his life and why family members need their own recovery process, not just the person using substances. He also talks about building a practical, personal spirituality for those who feel resistant to traditional ideas of God.
49:32•5 Oct 2022
Addiction, Family Healing and Spirituality for People Who Hate Spirituality
Episode Overview
- Addiction affects the whole family, and every member needs their own recovery rather than focusing solely on the identified addict.
- Family members cannot get someone sober or cause their relapse; their real task is to care for themselves and set healthy boundaries.
- Taking responsibility in recovery means dropping excuses and blame and doing the uncomfortable inner work around trauma and behaviour.
- Under layers of shame and self-hatred, many people find a version of themselves who is kinder, more lovable and far more capable than they imagined.
- Spirituality can be approached like an experiment, defining a higher power in terms that feel safe and helpful rather than adopting ideas that don’t fit.
“Underneath that concept of a flawed, broken human being, there was somebody really beautiful that I could love inside me.”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol and bring their whole family into the healing process? This conversation with counsellor, author and podcaster Casey Arrillaga gives a candid look at addiction from inside the family system. Casey shares how he was "conceived in addiction", adopted into another addicted household, and grew up chasing affirmation, food, adrenaline and, eventually, alcohol and sex and love addiction.
He explains how those early experiences shaped a lifelong urge to escape and a deep belief that he was "a horrible person" who was fundamentally flawed. You’ll hear how hitting an emotional wall at around 30, together with an honest therapist, led him into recovery. From there, Casey realised that families need their **own** recovery, not just the person labelled as the addict.
That insight inspired his book *Realistic Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions* and his podcast *Addiction and the Family*, created to give relatives something practical beyond memoirs and panic. A big theme is letting family members off the hook.
Casey is clear that they can’t save or destroy someone’s sobriety: "Short of… pouring alcohol in their mouth… you can't screw up their sobriety." Instead, he encourages them to focus on self-care, boundaries and learning healthier ways to communicate. The chat also digs into spirituality, including Casey’s second book, *Spirituality for People Who Hate Spirituality*.
He talks about starting out hostile to the idea of a higher power, then treating prayer like a science experiment and gradually finding a loving concept of something bigger that actually helped him stay sober.
By the end, you’ll get a feel for Casey’s mix of clinical experience, lived history and gentle humour – and you might find yourself asking: what would it look like if *everyone* in your family had a recovery plan, not just the person with the substance use problem?
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