15: After The Storm: Where Healing Begins presented by Brian D. Smith - Episode 1515: After The Storm: Where Healing Begins presented by Brian D. Smith - Episode 15
UK Health Radio Podcast
Brian D. Smith talks about guilt after loss, explaining why so many grieving people blame themselves and how research and simple tools can soften that burden. The conversation moves from "it was my fault" towards gentler ways of honouring love while allowing healing to begin.
47:22•9 Oct 2026
After The Storm: Easing Guilt and Finding Healing After Loss
Episode Overview
- Guilt after loss is extremely common and often hidden, with many bereaved people secretly blaming themselves.
- Much guilt stems from hindsight, counterfactual "if only" scenarios and the mind’s attempt to avoid feeling helpless.
- Regret (wishing things were different) is less harmful than self-blame, which is linked with more difficult and prolonged grief.
- Healing does not mean forgetting; laughter, relief and resilience can coexist with deep love and continuing bonds.
- Practical tools like the friend test, writing down what you truly knew at the time, and creating living amends can gradually soften guilt.
“Pain is not the receipt for love.”
How do individuals turn their lives around after loss when guilt keeps replaying the past? This episode of "After The Storm: Where Healing Begins" with grief guide Brian D. Smith focuses squarely on those relentless "if only" thoughts that can feel heavier than the grief itself. Speaking as both a bereaved father and a certified grief guide, Brian talks directly to people who find themselves whispering, "I think it was my fault," and then hiding that thought away.
He explains how guilt often hides behind phrases like "I should have" and even behind physical tension and flinches when others say, "There was nothing you could have done." You’ll hear how guilt can be "anger turned inward" and why the mind sometimes prefers feeling guilty over feeling helpless. Brian blends personal experience with established research, referencing figures such as David Kessler, Margaret Stroebe, Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, George Bonanno, Dennis Klass and June Tangney.
He breaks guilt down into what we did vs what we didn’t do, separates regret from self-blame, and introduces ideas like hindsight bias and counterfactual thinking (those exhausting "butterfly effect" scenarios of going back and changing one decision). You’ll also hear about guilt that appears when life begins to feel lighter: laughing again, having a day without tears, or feeling relief after a long illness.
Brian challenges the myth that "pain proves love", reminding listeners that "pain is not the receipt for love" and that resilience doesn’t mean someone cared less. Practical tools come thick and fast: translating verdicts into wishes, the "friend test", writing down what you truly knew at the time, and creating living amends. He even tackles survivor guilt and the heavy thought "It should have been me," turning it into a question of how to honour the person who has died.
If guilt has become the soundtrack to your grief, could this be the week you try one of Brian’s gentle exercises and see if that sentence in your mind can feel just a little lighter?
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