254. When Surrender Is Really Control254. When Surrender Is Really Control
Strong Tower Mental Health with Heidi Mortenson
Heidi Mortenson talks about how what looks like surrender to God can actually be hidden control, especially for those affected by trauma and relational pain. She reflects on trusting God with outcomes, setting healthy boundaries, and letting go of responsibility for other people’s change.
28:19•24 Aug 2026
When Surrender Secretly Turns into Control
Episode Overview
- True surrender means giving outcomes to God rather than trying to control how people or situations change.
- Seeing a problem does not automatically mean it is yours to fix, even if you have the skills to help.
- A history of trauma and unsafe relationships can make control feel like safety, so this pattern needs gentle awareness.
- You can fully trust God while still using discernment and limiting trust with people whose behaviour is unhealthy.
- Clarifying what belongs to God, what belongs to you, and what belongs to others can reduce burnout and misplaced responsibility.
“Just because you can see it doesn't mean that it's yours to fix.”
Heidi, a licensed marriage and family therapist, talks honestly about her own experience of praying, obeying, being extra kind and thinking, deep down, "because I'm doing this, God, you're going to change this person or this situation." She asks a piercing question that runs through the whole conversation: "Just because you can see it doesn't mean that it's yours to fix." Using a vivid dream about mowing and weed-whipping someone else’s lawn, she paints a picture of how helpers, parents, pastors, and intercessors often wander around "somebody else's emotional lawn" trying to tidy things up.
Curious about how others turn control into genuine surrender? This instalment of Strong Tower Mental Health with Heidi Mortenson zooms in on a subtle but common trap: calling something "surrender" when it’s really a clever form of control. You’ll hear how this looks in real life: over-praying, over-explaining, trying to say exactly the right thing, and then feeling responsible when nothing changes. Heidi ties this to trauma and a nervous system that has learnt that uncertainty feels dangerous.
Control can seem like safety: "If I can keep everyone happy, maybe there won't be conflict." From there, she gently separates true surrender from bargaining with God for a specific outcome, and highlights that following Jesus means going after Him, not chasing the result someone else had in their testimony. There’s clear teaching on healthy boundaries too.
Heidi reminds you that surrendering to God doesn’t mean ignoring unhealthy patterns or pretending you feel safe with someone when you don’t: "I can trust God and I don't trust you, but I trust God with what God is doing." She uses Galatians 6 to talk about what belongs to God, what belongs to you, and what belongs to other people.
If you’ve ever tried to "fix" someone you love, this conversation might leave you asking yourself: where do I need to put the weed whip down and simply follow Jesus?
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