#309 - Trauma Explains It. It Does Not Excuse It.#309 - Trauma Explains It. It Does Not Excuse It.
Till The Wheels Fall Off
Paige speaks directly to spouses and partners of addicts about why behaviour matters more than substances and how trauma can explain actions without excusing them. She reflects on abuse, self-abandonment and the impact on children, while urging partners to look honestly at their own needs and future.
16:14•3 Apr 2026
Trauma Explains It, But It Doesn’t Excuse It: Paige’s Message to Partners of Addicts
Episode Overview
- Pay attention to patterns of behaviour, not just the substance use, as these are what damage relationships most.
- Trauma can explain someone’s actions, but it does not excuse abuse or remove the need for accountability.
- Partners can become so focused on understanding and helping that they abandon their own needs, health and identity.
- Children learn what love and relationships look like from what they see at home, so ongoing chaos has serious consequences for them.
- Focusing on yourself includes seeing clearly how someone’s behaviour affects you and having the confidence to act on that truth.
“"You can understand why someone became who they are and still decide you can't live with these behaviours."”
What can we learn from those who have battled addiction? In this raw, straight-talking episode of Till The Wheels Fall Off, Paige shares "Paige’s Perspective" for spouses and partners who feel like they’re disappearing inside someone else’s addiction, trauma, or chaos. Speaking as the partner of a man with almost 13 years’ sobriety, Paige talks directly to people who live with alcoholics, addicts, or those showing narcissistic behaviours.
She explains why the focus needs to shift from substances to behaviour: screaming, gaslighting, lying, cheating, financial control and constant unpredictability. As she bluntly highlights, "abuse is not just physical" and these patterns can slowly change who you are. A key theme is the difference between understanding and excusing.
Paige acknowledges that trauma can explain why someone drinks, lies, or shuts down, but stresses, "understanding is not the same thing as excusing." You can recognise someone’s pain and still decide that their behaviour is not acceptable for you or your children. The episode calls out the trap of spending years asking "why are they like this?" while your own life, health, friendships and identity fade into the background.
Paige talks about partners waiting for the magic moment – the rehab stay, the diagnosis, the new job – that will fix everything, and how many end up stuck watching moods, bottles and lies instead of living their own lives. She also offers hope: change is possible, recovery can be real, and she’s seen it with her husband. But she’s equally clear that some people use trauma and addiction as a permanent excuse.
The real work, she says, is turning the spotlight back on yourself: What have you been tolerating? Who have you become? What do you need now? If you’re tired of being told you’re just "codependent" and should simply detach, this honest, validating episode might help you ask braver questions about your own future.
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