A Philosopher's Case for Grieving — What Loss Does to the Self | Michael Cholbi & Imi LoA Philosopher's Case for Grieving — What Loss Does to the Self | Michael Cholbi & Imi Lo
Eggshell Transformations with Imi Lo
Philosopher Michael Cholbi and Imi Lo talk about grief as a reshaping of the self, tying it to identity, attention and self-knowledge rather than pathology. Their discussion contrasts Stoic detachment with relational living and questions whether we have a responsibility to grieve those we love.
1:14:45•26 May 2026
Grief, Identity and the Self: Michael Cholbi in Conversation with Imi Lo
Episode Overview
- Grief is not just one feeling but a complex process involving many emotions, all of which can reveal how the deceased person mattered to us.
- We often grieve those in whom we have invested our practical identity, meaning our sense of self has become bound up with their existence.
- Grief can alter our practical identity, prompting us to reconsider what projects, values and relationships we carry forward after a loss.
- Treating grief itself as a disorder risks depriving people of a meaningful human process; related problems (like depression or insomnia) may need care, but grief is not automatically an illness.
- There may be a moral responsibility to grieve those with whom we share mutually loving relationships, acknowledging their death as significant to who we are.
“We err if we don't grieve or we avoid it. I think we're sort of shortchanging ourselves, depriving ourselves of something that lends our lives coherence and meaning.”
How do people find hope in the darkest times? This conversation between psychotherapist Imi Lo and philosopher Michael Cholbi takes grief out of the clinic and into the philosophy seminar, without losing any of its emotional weight. Aimed at those who are intense, sensitive and deeply reflective, the episode looks at grief as something more than a single emotion or a disorder to fix.
Michael explains how he sees grief as tied to “practical identity investment” – the way we build our sense of self around other people.
When someone dies, we’re not just losing them; as Imi puts it, “we're not just losing a person… we're losing a piece of ourselves.” You’ll hear them chat through why we might grieve celebrities we’ve never met, why love or intimacy alone don’t explain grief, and how our identities are quietly anchored in partners, parents, children, even colleagues. Grief, in Michael’s view, is a process that reshapes who we are, not a detour from real life.
The tone is thoughtful but relaxed, with Imi happily “picking holes” in arguments and Michael answering with patience and humour. They compare Stoic advice about detachment with a more relational, interdependent picture of a good life, debate whether we have a duty to grieve those we love, and touch on ambivalent grief – like feeling both sorrow and relief when a long‑term caring role ends.
Rather than handing out step‑by‑step coping tips, Michael offers conceptual tools: grief as a sustained form of attention, pain as part of learning what truly matters, and the danger of treating grief as an illness to be shortened or medicated away. If you’ve ever wondered whether your own complicated grief is “wrong”, this episode might give you language, context and a bit of relief. What if the pain you’re carrying is also quietly teaching you who you are?
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