Ep 213: It’s Not the Coping Mechanism—It’s What You’re Trying Not to FeelEp 213: It’s Not the Coping Mechanism—It’s What You’re Trying Not to Feel
The Emotional Abuse Recovery Podcast
Allison K. Dagney talks about coping habits such as alcohol, food and clingy relationships as attempts to avoid painful emotions rather than signs of weakness. She explains how understanding the deeper need beneath each habit can make meaningful change feel more possible and less about sheer willpower.
25:28•21 Apr 2026
It’s Not the Drink: What Your Coping Habits Are Hiding
Episode Overview
- Coping mechanisms such as alcohol, food, scrolling and certain relationships are the brain’s way of seeking relief from deeper emotional pain.
- The main attachment is not to the substance or person, but to the feeling of relief, control, numbness or being chosen that they seem to provide.
- Substances like alcohol can slow emotional healing and reprogramming because they affect how the mind and body learn new patterns.
- Real change comes from understanding what the coping mechanism is doing for you and finding new ways to meet those needs, rather than relying on willpower to quit.
- Asking three questions—what you’re avoiding feeling, what the habit gives you, and how you could give that to yourself differently—can start to loosen the grip of harmful patterns.
“The thing that you keep reaching for to soothe your pain is not the problem. It’s the solution that your mind created for something deeper below the surface.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety? This episode of The Emotional Abuse Recovery Podcast zeroes in on coping mechanisms like alcohol, food, scrolling and even certain relationships, and asks a much bigger question: what are you trying not to feel? Host and subconscious reprogramming expert Allison K. Dagney gently challenges the idea that anyone has a “discipline problem”.
As she puts it, **“The thing that you keep reaching for to soothe your pain is not the problem. It’s the solution that your mind created for something deeper below the surface.”** Instead of blaming the drink, the cigarette or the late-night phone check, she explains how the brain and nervous system latch onto anything that offers relief from anxiety, loneliness, shame, grief or the fallout of emotional abuse.
You’ll hear clear examples that will resonate with many in recovery: reaching for alcohol after a hard day, overeating, chain-smoking, obsessively checking an ex’s social media, or clinging to a partner for reassurance. Allison breaks down how these habits temporarily calm the mind but can slow emotional healing and trauma work, especially when substances affect how your brain learns and processes change.
Rather than pushing quick fixes or “just stop” advice, she offers three simple questions to ask before you reach for your usual crutch: What am I actually feeling? What does this give me, even temporarily? How could I give myself a small piece of that in another way? The focus is on replacing what the coping mechanism does for you, not ripping it away and calling it a day.
For anyone dealing with alcohol misuse, emotional eating, people-pleasing or staying stuck in toxic relationships, this conversation offers a kinder way to understand your patterns. Could looking underneath your habits be the next step in your healing?
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