Ep373 – Expectations and Demands in a RelationshipEp373 – Expectations and Demands in a Relationship
Untoxicated Podcast
Matt and Sherry Salis talk about the difference between expectations and demands in their marriage after alcoholism, focusing on trust, boundaries and emotional safety. They share how they now aim to earn good treatment through consistent behaviour rather than feeling entitled to it after sobriety.
1:03:55•9 Nov 2026
Expectations, Demands and Healing After Alcoholism
Episode Overview
- Rebuilding trust after alcoholism is measured in months and years, not days, and cannot be scheduled or forced.
- There is a key difference between expectations built over time and demands that try to control a partner.
- True non-negotiables in their relationship are monogamy, protection of the family, and emotional safety and honesty.
- The sober partner’s job is to earn trust through consistent, emotionally safe behaviour, not by pushing for forgiveness or timelines.
- Satisfaction in recovery comes from knowing you are doing your best, rather than waiting for external validation from your partner.
“"The only thing you can do is act consistently, consistently keep going."”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol? For Matt and Sherry Salis, it’s not just about getting sober, but rebuilding a marriage that was battered by years of drinking, lies and emotional chaos. This episode looks at a deceptively simple question: what’s the difference between expectations and demands in a relationship, especially after addiction? Matt openly admits he once believed his wife "owed" him love, kindness and sex just because he got sober.
Now, he’s shifted to a very different mindset: "I don’t think you owe me shit. I think I can earn the treatment I deserve." That shift from entitlement to responsibility sits at the heart of the conversation. You’ll hear the pair lay out a very real, often funny list of what they expect from each other: cooking, laundry, car maintenance, shaving Matt’s back, feeding the cats, emotional safety, honesty and more.
Matt explains that rebuilding trust after years of drinking, gaslighting and checking out of family life is "a months and years kind of a thing", and the only real proof is consistent, safe behaviour: "The only thing you can do is act consistently, consistently keep going." There’s humour, swearing, and plenty of honesty, but underneath it all is a practical blueprint for how a couple can stay together after addiction: stop demanding, start earning, and give each other room to be human.
They make it clear these are expectations built over time, not rigid demands. The only true non‑negotiables? Monogamy, protecting the family, and emotional safety. For anyone in recovery or partnered with someone who’s quit drinking, their message about trust is especially relevant. If you’ve ever wondered how long healing "should" take – or whether you’re expecting too much or too little from your partner – this one might hit close to home.
How much of what you want from your relationship is a fair expectation, and how much has quietly turned into a demand?
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