Episode 126: The Loneliness of Keeping a Secret in Public

Episode 126: The Loneliness of Keeping a Secret in Public

What can we learn from those who have battled addiction? This conversation with host Julie Sanford shines a light on a specific kind of pain many women know too well: "the loneliness of performing a life that you're not actually living." Speaking directly to wives of alcoholics, Julie talks about carrying the secret of a husband's drinking while still doing the school run, turning up at church, or answering, "Good, thanks," at work.

She asks you to picture that moment when you drive home in silence and feel the weight of being surrounded by people "who don't know the real version of your life." That invisible burden is the focus here. Julie gently breaks down why so many women stay silent. Some want to protect their husbands from judgement because they still see the good man under the addiction. Others stay quiet to shield their children from shame or gossip.

Many worry that no one would believe them, especially if their husband looks high-functioning and well-liked in public. And then there’s shame itself, which "doesn't wait for logic" and whispers that this is somehow their fault or a failure of their Christian life. She explains how secrecy keeps women stuck: if you can't talk about something, you can't process it, and if you can't process it, you can't move through it.

Julie repeats a simple truth: "You are not designed to carry this alone." She talks about creating the Secret Sister Circle as a private, faith-based space where wives can take off the mask, access lessons at their own pace, and be understood without having to speak up publicly if they don’t want to.

Julie ends by stressing that your story is yours, but having at least one safe place — a group, a counsellor, or a trusted person — can ease the load. So who might be that safe person or space for you?