How can I become more securely attached?How can I become more securely attached?
All In The Mind
Whether you're anxious or avoidant, there are steps you can take to make your relationships more secure. And the benefits extend beyond dating — finding secure people can help you build a community and maybe even live longer. Today, neuroscientist, psychiatrist and author Dr Amir Levine joins Sana to discuss all things secure attachment. From tiny meaningful moments with strangers, to prioritising the right people in your life, Amir shares his top advice for anyone wanting to change their attachment style. Guest: Dr Amir Levine Psychiatrist Neuroscientist Associate Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Columbia University Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life Credits: Presenter/producer: Sana Qadar Senior producer: James Bullen Producer: Rose Kerr Sound engineer: Tegan Nicholls To explore more great episodes from the award-winning psychology podcast All in the Mind with host Sana Qadar, download the ABC Listen app (Australia) or search 'ABC All in the Mind podcast' wherever you get your podcasts. There you'll find more episodes on mental health, trauma, attachment theory, wellness hacks, and family relationships. You'll also hear interviews with experts like Esther Perel, Billy Garvey and Ethan Kross. All in the Mind is created for ABC's Radio National by specialist journalists and reporters at the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.
31:19•24 Jul 2026
Building a Secure Village: Dr Amir Levine on Attachment and Connection
Episode Overview
- Attachment styles are not fixed by childhood; they can change at any time through present-day interactions.
- Creating a secure "village" means prioritising people who are consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable (CARP).
- Seemingly insignificant minor interactions (SIMI) with strangers and acquaintances can meaningfully boost psychological and physical wellbeing.
- Anxiously attached people benefit from turning down the focus on unreliable contacts and turning up attention to secure, responsive relationships.
- Tools like "wall tennis with love" and direct CARP conversations can help right-size draining relationships without harsh cut-offs.
“Our brain really hates being ignored or being excluded.”
What drives someone to seek a life where relationships feel calm instead of chaotic? This episode of *All In The Mind* looks at that question through the lens of attachment styles and everyday connection. Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine joins host Sana Kadar to talk about how anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant patterns can shift over time.
He stresses that "attachment styles can change at any time", challenging the idea that early childhood completely locks in how you relate to others. A big theme is the brain’s need to feel included. As Levine puts it, "our brain really hates being ignored or being excluded", and even tiny social slights can dent self-esteem and a sense of control.
To protect that "social brain", he suggests creating what he calls a hyper-connected life built on two simple ideas: CARP and SIMI. CARP means being consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable – and surrounding yourself with people who act the same way. Levine explains that anxious people often pour energy into those who aren’t CARP, while overlooking the "boring" but steady friends who always show up. Shifting focus towards those secure connections can ease anxiety and even support physical health.
SIMI stands for the "seemingly insignificant minor interactions" that fill your day: chatting to the barista, saying hi in the lift, answering an Uber driver. Levine treats these quick exchanges like a health hack, describing himself as "a pac-man" collecting SIMIs to build that sense of connectedness.
He also shares practical tools such as "wall tennis with love" for dealing with flaky or draining relationships – responding kindly, but with slightly less intensity, and saving your deeper energy for truly reliable people. If you’ve ever felt "too needy" or "too distant" in relationships, this episode offers language and simple steps that might help you build a village where you feel safer, calmer and more secure.
Which relationships in your life are truly CARP, and which ones might need a gentle rethink?
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