In BPD Relationships Do Codependents Over FunctionIn BPD Relationships Do Codependents Over Function
Surviving BPD Relationship Breakups
Do Codependents over-function in BPD relationships or emotionally, in life, generally? The odd person/professional out there claims, yes, that's what's going on. No, it's not what is going on for anyone with Codependency. People with Codependency are...
1:14:21•16 Aug 2026
Why Codependents Aren’t Over-Functioning in BPD Relationships
Episode Overview
- Codependents in BPD relationships are not over-functioning; they are over-giving while under-functioning and dysfunctioning in relation to themselves.
- Codependent patterns grow from childhood woundedness, family-of-origin issues and a wounded inner child that was not seen or heard.
- Rescuing, fixing, people-pleasing and over-giving are attempts to control the other person and get unmet emotional needs fulfilled.
- Labels like “high-functioning codependency” and “over-functioning” can blur reality and distract from the need to address self-abandonment and trauma.
- Healing requires focusing on one’s own recovery, boundaries and inner child work rather than trying to get the borderline partner to change.
“Codependency isn't special. You're not over-functioning... you're under-functioning and you're dysfunctioning.”
Ever wondered what it takes to stop feeling like you're "doing everything" in a chaotic relationship with someone who has BPD? A.J. Mahari, counsellor and trauma recovery coach, takes a hard look at a popular idea: that codependents are "over-functioning" heroes in these relationships. Right from the start, A.J. keeps things real and unpolished, joking about recording while barely being able to see through cataracts, then getting straight to the heart of the topic.
She challenges professionals who talk about *high-functioning codependency* and explains why that label, in her view, is misleading and even harmful. As she puts it, **"Codependency isn't special. You're not over-functioning... you're under-functioning and you're dysfunctioning."** Across the episode, she breaks down what many codependents mistake for over-functioning: over-giving, over-caring, over-empathising, people-pleasing, rescuing and trying to fix a partner with BPD.
Rather than being a sign of strength, she frames this as a trauma response rooted in childhood woundedness, an enmeshed inner child and repetition-compulsion cycles with emotionally unavailable people. A.J. shares a striking story about a client who offered to help her and later lashed out, claiming they had "over-functioned" to people-please her. She uses this example to show how anger, self-abandonment and control can sit underneath the polite surface of codependent behaviour.
Throughout, she speaks directly to those stuck in on-off, painful BPD relationships who feel exhausted, unappreciated and yet unable to let go. Her focus is on responsibility to self: healing family-of-origin wounds, building boundaries, and creating a healthier relationship with oneself rather than chasing the fantasy of getting the "old" partner back.
If you’ve ever said, "I give everything and get nothing back," this conversation might make you pause and ask a tougher question: are you ready to stop abandoning yourself?
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