My Child Is An Addict With Jeff HaysMy Child Is An Addict With Jeff Hays
I Love Being Sober
Jeff Hays shares his experience of parenting his heroin-addicted son Perry, reflecting on love, boundaries and childhood trauma. The conversation looks at practical habits, emotional healing and how families can stay connected without enabling destructive behaviour.
1:00:18•11 Apr 2023
Loving an Addicted Child Without Losing Yourself: Jeff Hays on Perry, Trauma and Hope
Episode Overview
- Underlying many addictions is a core belief of "I am not enough," often formed in childhood trauma.
- Shifting from tough love to steady, non-judgmental love can keep communication open with an addicted child.
- Simple practices like walking, movement, nature, connection, breath work and meditation repeatedly show up as pillars of a healthier life.
- Breaking physical dependence (for example with ibogaine) is not enough if internal beliefs and habits remain unchanged.
- Helping a loved one means avoiding doing for them what they should do for themselves, while still maintaining strong, loving boundaries.
“Underlying all addiction is the basic thought that as I am, I am not enough.”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol? This conversation between host Tim Westbrook and filmmaker Jeff Hays looks at that question through the lens of parenting a child with a long-term heroin addiction. Jeff shares candidly about his son Perry’s decade of addiction, from a tennis injury and painkillers to heroin and repeated rehabs and probations.
He explains how reading Johan Hari’s work shifted him from “tough love” to simply love, saying that instead of withdrawing, he chose to “just project love. And love him. Even if he chooses to stay an addict.” That shift lets Perry be honest with him because Jeff doesn’t demand lies to feel comfortable. You’ll hear why Jeff believes “underlying all addiction is the basic thought that as I am, I am not enough,” usually rooted in childhood trauma.
He talks about his own trauma after his mother died when he was 11, and how decades of traditional therapy didn’t touch the wall around his heart until medically guided MDMA sessions began to dismantle it. The chat keeps circling back to simple, practical habits: walking, movement, yoga, time in nature, deep connection, breath, prayer and meditation.
After interviewing dozens of experts for film series on anxiety, depression, happiness and addiction, Jeff noticed the same core "ingredients" appear every time: move your body, connect with people, eat better, get outside, nurture a spiritual life.
For parents, Jeff offers one clear principle: never do for someone what they should be doing for themselves, and don’t interfere with the “dignity of their fate.” He balances strong boundaries with relentless love, aiming to be like sunlight—always there, without judgment or control. If you’re a parent or loved one of someone in active addiction, could this mix of firm boundaries and unconditional love be the next step in your own recovery story?
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