Relationships in Recovery: How to Begin ep2Relationships in Recovery: How to Begin ep2
Father Bill W.
Fr. Bill W. and therapist Tom Lavin talk about how childhood wounds, emotional reactivity and early sobriety affect relationships, and outline practical tools for healthier connection. Their conversation blends 12‑Step spirituality, psychology and everyday examples to suggest gradual, realistic change.
54:26•25 Oct 2026
Relationships in Recovery: From Triggers to Emotional Sobriety
Episode Overview
- Adverse childhood experiences can stunt emotional growth and push people toward a “primary relationship” with mood‑altering substances or behaviours.
- Early recovery often brings back unresolved issues around self‑esteem, trust and vulnerability, so building healthy relationships needs to start with small, gradual steps.
- High emotional arousal and triggers can fuel conflict; taking time‑outs, using mindfulness and calming the body are key to responding rather than reacting.
- Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling can destroy relationships; replacing them with gentle “I” statements, gratitude and shared responsibility supports connection.
- Emotional sobriety involves shifting from self‑centred demands to asking, in the spirit of St Francis, what can be given rather than what can be taken, backed up by daily practice and action.
“"You have to build a life for yourself before you have a life to share with somebody else."”
Curious about how others manage the messy business of relationships after getting sober? This conversation between Fr. Bill W. and therapist Tom Lavin zooms in on why intimacy can feel so hard in recovery, and what practical tools might help.
Tom starts by linking adverse childhood experiences (ACES) – things like neglect, violence, and mental illness at home – to what he calls a “failure to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially.” From there, he explains how many people form a “primary relationship with mood‑altering chemicals,” using alcohol, drugs, sex, or gambling as their main source of comfort and escape. As Fr.
Bill puts it, “alcohol became my closest and most trusted friend until it no longer did.” Once the substance is gone, all those old “demons” reappear: low self‑esteem, fear of vulnerability, difficulty trusting, and emotional immaturity. Tom gives down‑to‑earth examples, from learning to keep a houseplant alive before dating, through to why “boy meets girl on AA campus” can so easily lead to relapse when two wounded people jump into commitment too fast.
The episode spends real time on emotional reactivity. Drawing on Alan Fruzzetti and dialectical behaviour therapy, Tom explains hyper‑arousal, triggers, and why time‑outs are essential: “When we get triggered… we need time to get grounded, centered, and balanced.” The Gottmans’ “four horsemen” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – are unpacked with simple antidotes like “gentle start‑ups” and daily expressions of gratitude. Spiritual themes run throughout.
Emotional sobriety, St Francis’ prayer, and William James’ idea of “vision, decision, and action” all show up as ways to shift from self‑centredness to a life of service and love. Tom finishes with a short acceptance‑based meditation that brings together the serenity prayer, mindfulness, and practical action. If relationships in recovery feel chaotic, could these stories and tools offer a next small step for you?
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