Relationships in Recovery: Why So Hard? ep1Relationships in Recovery: Why So Hard? ep1
Father Bill W.
Fr Bill W and therapist Tom Lavin talk about why relationships often remain painful and confusing even after getting sober, linking current struggles to adverse childhood experiences and family patterns. They outline how deeper emotional work, beyond just stopping drinking, can open the door to healthier connections.
47:56•19 Oct 2026
Why Relationships Feel So Hard in Recovery
Episode Overview
- Early childhood experiences, especially in the family, strongly shape later beliefs about trust, worth and lovability.
- Focusing a Fourth and Fifth Step only on drinking can miss deeper causes rooted in childhood pain and family patterns.
- Adverse childhood experiences such as addiction, mental illness, violence, prison, suicide and divorce raise the risk of later addiction and relational struggles.
- Codependent behaviours—over‑caring, rescuing, controlling and constant worry—often stem from growing up in addicted or chaotic homes.
- Tools like therapy, additional fellowships and two‑way prayer can help bring buried feelings to the surface and start real healing in relationships.
“"Alcohol was but a symptom of our problem. We had to get down to causes and conditions."”
What are the common struggles and victories in addiction recovery? This conversation between Fr Bill W and marriage and family therapist Tom Lavin goes straight for one of the toughest areas: relationships. Aimed at people in 12-step recovery and those who support them, the episode zooms out from “just not drinking” and asks why so many in recovery feel stuck, lonely or baffled in their personal lives.
Tom brings decades of experience with 12‑Steppers and invites you to think back to childhood: Were you hugged? Encouraged? Ignored? Shamed?
He explains how early family dynamics, including neglect, substance‑using parents, mental illness, domestic violence, chronic illness, prison, suicide and divorce can quietly shape adult beliefs like “I’m not lovable” or “I must be perfect.” Fr Bill links this directly to the 12 steps, warning that if someone starts their Fourth Step with drinking, “they’re missing a ton of material.” The pair stress that, as the Big Book says, “Alcohol was but a symptom of our problem.
We had to get down to causes and conditions.” You’ll hear about adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), codependency patterns, and why so many people in recovery find themselves repeating old relational dramas despite being sober. There’s plenty of gentle humour too – including stories about sponsors as substitute parents and the man whose bottom came when even his dog turned on him. Throughout, Tom and Fr Bill keep steering the conversation toward hope.
They talk about two-way prayer, therapy, and additional fellowships like Al‑Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics as tools to bring buried pain into the light. This first part of a four‑episode series lays the emotional groundwork before moving into solutions – a kind of emotional Step One for relationships. If relationships have ever felt like the unsolved riddle of your recovery, this one might get you asking some important questions of your own.
Do you want to link to this podcast?
Get the buttons here!
More From This Show
The latest episodes from the same podcast.