Relationships in Recovery: Watch for Warning Signs ep3Relationships in Recovery: Watch for Warning Signs ep3
Father Bill W.
Father Bill W and therapist Tom Lavin talk through Dr John Gottman’s research on why marriages struggle, focusing on specific warning signs and how couples in recovery might respond differently. The conversation blends 12‑Step wisdom, practical psychology and personal examples to suggest that even painful relationships may have room for growth and repair.
53:34•2 Nov 2026
Warning Signs in Sobriety: Fixing Relationships Before They Break
Episode Overview
- Conflict is expected in marriage; the crucial factor is learning healthier ways to handle it rather than avoiding or escalating it.
- Watch for the four horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling—and replace them with collaboration, respect, shared responsibility and honest time‑outs.
- Emotional flooding, especially for men and for anyone with conditions like PTSD or bipolar disorder, is a signal to pause, calm down and return to the conversation later.
- Strong relationships rest on trust, respect and commitment, including a commitment to personal growth and to supporting a partner’s wellbeing and spiritual development.
- Repairing after arguments—acknowledging harm, making amends, and reconnecting—prevents resentment and bad memories from becoming the dominant story of the marriage.
“"The fact that a couple is having conflict is not the problem. The issue is really, what are the things that we can do to learn how to handle conflict?"”
What drives someone to seek a life where their relationships feel as solid as their sobriety? This episode of Father Bill W’s show brings that question centre stage, as he and marriage and family therapist Tom Lavin unpack how couples in recovery can spot trouble early and build something sturdier together.
Tom leans on Dr John Gottman’s long-term research with thousands of couples, using the book *Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work* as a kind of "how it works" manual for relationships, much like the Big Book is for staying sober. You’ll hear about Gottman’s famous "love lab" apartment where couples were observed in everyday life, and how that data helped him predict divorce with striking accuracy.
The heart of the conversation is the six danger signals in relationships, including harsh start‑ups, emotional flooding and the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Tom and Bill keep it practical, swapping examples from therapy and recovery life to show how these patterns look in real marriages – from partners who lovingly accommodate each other’s quirks, to couples whose lack of respect and flexibility slowly erodes trust.
Rather than leaving you stuck on what goes wrong, they highlight what can go right: replacing criticism with collaboration, contempt with respect, defensiveness with shared responsibility, and stonewalling with honest time‑outs and calm reconnection. There’s a strong focus on commitment as more than staying married – it’s a commitment to personal growth, integrity and to "grow along spiritual lines" together.
For anyone in recovery who’s ever thought, "my marriage is too messed up" or felt like two strangers sharing a house, this conversation offers very down‑to‑earth hope and tools. It asks a simple but searching question: if conflict is inevitable, are you learning how to use it to deepen love instead of destroy it?
Do you want to link to this podcast?
Get the buttons here!
More From This Show
The latest episodes from the same podcast.