Relationships in Recovery: Mapping Your Relationship ep4Relationships in Recovery: Mapping Your Relationship ep4
Father Bill W.
Father Bill W. and therapist Tom Lavin talk about how people in 12‑step recovery can rebuild trust and intimacy in damaged relationships using amends, behavioural change and Gottman’s concept of love maps. They also discuss practical ways to reconnect as a couple and how to choose appropriate marriage counselling support.
53:07•9 Nov 2026
Relationships in Recovery: Redrawing the Map of Your Marriage
Episode Overview
- Strong relationships in recovery rest on friendship, trust and commitment, supported by real behavioural change over time.
- The first nine steps function as a "map of healing", helping repair deep family wounds before couples work on deeper intimacy.
- Gottman’s love maps encourage partners to genuinely know each other's stresses, dreams, values and inner life, not just surface details.
- Structured questions and exercises can help couples move from distance and routine back to curiosity, vulnerability and connection.
- Choosing a marriage counsellor with proper training, neutrality and emotional safety is crucial, and individual therapy can still be valuable even if a partner refuses to attend.
“And we build this trust up that Gottman's talking about by changing our behavior.”
What are the common struggles and victories in addiction recovery? This conversation between Father Bill W. and marriage and family therapist Tom Lavin dives straight into one of the toughest: relationships after addiction. Aimed at people in 12‑step recovery and their partners, the episode looks at why so many in recovery have, as Bill Wilson put it, “twisted and broken relationships”, and how healing those bonds takes more than just stopping drinking or using.
Tom links the first nine steps of recovery to a “map of healing”, stressing that amends, changed behaviour and time are needed before couples can build deeper intimacy. As he puts it, “we build this trust up that Gottman's talking about by changing our behavior.” Using John Gottman’s book *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, they unpack the idea of “love maps” – really knowing your partner’s inner world and your own.
You’ll hear about simple-but-revealing questionnaires couples can use to reconnect, from light questions like favourite music to harder ones about fears, traumas and life goals. The message is clear: you can’t rely on the same worn-out “map” of each other from years ago and expect closeness to magically reappear. The episode also speaks directly to people wondering about professional help.
Tom explains what good marriage counselling looks like in practice, why addiction often means you need “extra help”, and offers concrete criteria for choosing a therapist who feels safe, neutral and competent. There’s even guidance for those whose partner refuses counselling and what it means to “clean up your side of the street” anyway.
If your sobriety is solid but your relationship feels stuck, this conversation might have you asking: is it time to redraw the map of my marriage and who I’m becoming?
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