Relationships: When Love Becomes Enabling
Relationships: When Love Becomes Enabling

Inner Bonding

Dr Margaret Paul explains how behaviours that seem loving can actually enable dysfunction, especially in parenting, addiction and romantic relationships. She outlines the difference between caretaking and real care, emphasising boundaries, natural consequences and learning to love yourself as the foundation for healthier connections.

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27:02•9 Nov 2026

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When Love Hurts: Dr Margaret Paul on Enabling, Boundaries and Real Care

Episode Overview

Enabling means protecting someone from natural consequences in ways that block their growth and responsibility.
Many people confuse compassion with caretaking, taking responsibility for another’s feelings to avoid their own fear and guilt.
Authoritarian parenting can create compliant caretakers, while permissive parenting can create demanding, entitled children.
Healthy boundaries are acts of self-respect that define what you will and won’t participate in, rather than punishments for others.
Loving behaviour includes yourself, allowing others to face consequences while you stop abandoning your own feelings and needs.

“Love never asks you to betray yourself.”

Interested in the personal battles against addiction? This Inner Bonding episode with Dr Margaret Paul widens the lens to look at all kinds of enabling, from parenting to romantic relationships, and how what looks like love can quietly keep everyone stuck. Dr Margaret talks through what enabling actually is: any behaviour that protects someone from the natural consequences of their choices in a way that blocks their growth.

She asks blunt questions many people will recognise: do you walk on eggshells, clean up messes, repeatedly give money, or accept abuse just to keep the peace? If so, she suggests your “love” might actually be fear-driven control.

As she puts it, **“Love never asks you to betray yourself.”** You’ll hear vivid examples: demanding children who act like mini Veruca Salts, an exhausted mother paying her adult son’s way through repeated addiction crises, and partners who keep hoping that if they care enough, the other person will finally change. Dr Margaret contrasts this with genuine love, which “supports growth while enabling supports dysfunction.” She draws a sharp line between compassion and caretaking.

Compassion says, *“I care about your pain.”* Caretaking says, *“I must fix your pain so I don’t feel anxious.”* The action may look the same on the surface, but the intention – control versus care – is completely different. Parents and partners get clear guidance on boundaries that honour everyone’s dignity: allowing natural consequences, expecting respect, and refusing to make their own feelings invisible.

She also explains the difference between caregiving (doing what someone truly can’t) and caretaking (doing what they should do for themselves). Anyone who’s tired, resentful, or secretly panicking about a loved one’s choices may find this episode a reality check and a relief. It gently asks: what would change if your love included you too?

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