Relationships - Why Explaining Often Doesn’t WorkRelationships - Why Explaining Often Doesn’t Work
Inner Bonding
Dr. Margaret Paul explains why explaining and defending yourself in conflict often makes things worse, especially when someone is in their wounded state. She offers practical alternatives like pausing, setting limits, and listening with care to build healthier, more connected relationships.
12:08•15 Jun 2026
Why Explaining Yourself Can Make Relationships Worse
Episode Overview
- Explaining yourself rarely works when the other person is in their ego-wounded self and unable to hear you.
- Trying to control with explanations and defensiveness often escalates conflict instead of resolving it.
- Shifting focus from content to intent helps you see whether you and the other person are open to learning or trying to control.
- Tools such as a sacred pause, loving disengagement, and active listening support healthier, more caring responses.
- Real resolution and intimacy arise when both people are open-hearted, curious, and willing to care about each other’s feelings and needs.
“When someone is upset rather than open to learning, they are in their ego-wounded self, and they can't hear you or see you.”
What can we learn from those who have battled addiction? This episode offers a refreshing look at conflict in relationships, especially those strained by past hurt, anxiety, or addictive patterns. Dr. Margaret Paul breaks down why explaining, defending, and justifying so often backfires, even when your intentions are completely innocent. Rather than handing out quick communication tricks, she talks about what’s really going on in the brain and body when someone is upset.
When a partner, friend, or family member is in their "ego-wounded self" – that younger part of them that feels afraid, rejected, or insecure – they’re not in their logical upper brain. As she puts it, "they don’t want to hear and see you. They just want you to hear and see them." So all those careful explanations you’re crafting? They’re likely to land as more fuel on the fire. You’ll hear Dr.
Margaret outline practical alternatives: commenting on the other person’s intent instead of debating the content, lovingly disengaging from controlling behaviour, or using active listening to help the other person feel heard. She gives a clear example around sexual intimacy in a partnership, showing how you can set boundaries without attacking, shutting down, or over-explaining. A key theme running through the episode is learning to pause before slipping into old, self-abandoning habits. Dr.
Margaret calls this a "sacred pause" – taking a breath and asking yourself whether your goal is to control the other person or to take loving care of yourself. She emphasises that real resolution comes when both people are open to learning, curious, and willing to care about each other’s feelings and needs. For anyone in recovery or working on healthier relationships, this conversation offers grounded, practical guidance on holding your own, even when you feel painfully misunderstood.
How might your relationships change if you stopped trying to explain yourself into being safe?
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