RR 234: The Addiction to Self with Rabbi Manis FriedmanRR 234: The Addiction to Self with Rabbi Manis Friedman
The SHAIR Recovery Podcast
Omar Pinto and Rabbi Manis Friedman discuss addiction to self, loneliness, marriage, and intimacy, reframing recovery as a move from being needy to being needed. The conversation questions modern ideas about love, sex and purpose, and suggests service and genuine connection as a way home.
1:18:49•6 Aug 2019
From Needy to Needed: Rabbi Manis Friedman on Addiction to Self and True Intimacy
Episode Overview
- Shifting focus from being needy to being needed can break the cycle of self-obsession that fuels many addictions.
- Even after substances are removed, an unresolved addiction to self can keep people stuck in loneliness and dissatisfaction.
- Marriage problems often stem from a lack of basic education about what marriage is for, rather than from doing everything 'wrong'.
- Sex and love, treated as things to acquire, can keep partners apart, while intimacy is about simply being together with no distractions or agendas.
- A sense of purpose grows from asking who needs you and responding to that, rather than endlessly chasing your own needs.
“If you have to make a choice between being needy or being needed, it's a no-brainer. Look around. Who needs you? That's what you're here for.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety? This conversation between Omar Pinto and Rabbi Manis Friedman tackles that question from a surprising angle: the “addiction to self.” Instead of focusing on substances, they talk about the deeper obsession behind nearly every compulsion – the constant belief that life is about *me* and my needs. Rabbi Manis argues that even if someone clears every surface addiction, they can still be trapped by self-absorption.
He calls narcissism “the plague of our generation” and links it with crushing loneliness and a constant hunt for stimulation. His antidote is simple but challenging: move from being needy to being needed. As he puts it, “If you have to make a choice between being needy or being needed, it's a no-brainer. Look around. Who needs you?
That's what you're here for.” The episode also spends time on marriage, intimacy, and why so many relationships feel empty despite love and sex. Rabbi Manis flips a lot of modern ideas on their head, saying that love and sex can actually *damage* a marriage if they’re treated as things to get, rather than expressions of genuine connection.
He contrasts sex with intimacy: sex is about experience and performance; intimacy is about two people simply being fully present with each other – “no thing” between them. For people in recovery, the discussion offers a fresh way to think about purpose.
Instead of chasing personal fulfilment, the focus shifts to asking, “Who needs me today?” Whether it’s a partner, a family member, a sponsee, or a community, that shift from self to service becomes a practical path out of isolation and compulsive craving. If you’re tired of chasing the next fix – emotional or chemical – this episode might get you asking a powerful question: what would life look like if you lived as someone truly needed?
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