Shame: the ups and downsShame: the ups and downs
All In The Mind
Embarrassment, guilt, or remorse are difficult emotions and most of us avoid. These excruciating shameful feelings are often masked by addiction, self-loathing or narcissism, but shame can also help uphold societal values, and even help build our self-esteem
29:04•27 Jan 2019
Shame, Addiction and Self-Esteem: How One Emotion Shapes Our Lives
Episode Overview
- Shame is a "family of emotions" ranging from brief embarrassment to deep humiliation, all involving a painful focus on self.
- Addiction, especially alcoholism, is described as a common way people try to manage or escape shame.
- Chronic avoidance, denial or rigid control of shame can contribute to conditions such as social anxiety, addiction, masochism and self-hatred.
- Mild, respectful shaming in childhood can support healthy brain development and social behaviour, while harsh or neglectful parenting can create enduring core shame.
- Facing shame, using humour and building authentic pride can strengthen self-worth and turn shame into a force for growth rather than destruction.
“"The primary purpose of alcohol is to release us from the bonds of shame."”
What are the common struggles and victories in addiction recovery? This episode of All In The Mind zooms in on shame, showing how it quietly shapes mental health, relationships and even substance use. Host Lynne Malcolm speaks with clinical psychologist and author Dr Joseph Burgo, who describes shame as a whole "family of emotions" that share "a painful awareness of self".
He explains how mild embarrassment, deep humiliation and everything in between sit on the same spectrum – and how strongly they can push people towards withdrawal, addiction, perfectionism or narcissism. For anyone curious about why alcohol or other drugs can feel like emotional armour, one line hits hard: psychoanalyst Donald Nathanson suggests "the primary purpose of alcohol is to release us from the bonds of shame".
Burgo connects this directly to addiction, social anxiety and self-hatred, stressing how chronic attempts to dodge shame can tip into mental illness. You'll hear about a client whose life shrank due to extreme social anxiety, and how facing – rather than fleeing – shame slowly helped her regain freedom. Burgo also talks about "core shame" rooted in chaotic or neglectful early environments, contrasting it with healthy, mild parental correction that helps children develop self-control and social awareness.
The conversation ranges from parenting styles and the self-esteem movement to narcissism, bullying, social media pressure and the public shaming seen in the #MeToo era. Burgo argues that shame can keep social values in check, but only if it allows room for remorse and eventual reintegration. Instead of treating shame as something to be buried, he suggests using it as feedback: a chance to adjust behaviour, build genuine pride and strengthen self-respect.
If shame is part of being human, what might change if you stopped running from it and started listening to what it’s trying to say?
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