The Impact of Childhood Messages with Best-selling author, Thomas GaglianoThe Impact of Childhood Messages with Best-selling author, Thomas Gagliano
Recovery Recharged with Ellen Stewart Pushy Broad from the Bronx
Family Dynamics Expert Thomas Gagliano talks about the impact childhood messages have in our lives. He shares poignant and personal stories letting us in on how he crafted his bestsellers and how to better understand our own childhood upbringing. ...
27:27•8 May 2024
Childhood Messages, Inner Critics and Recovery with Thomas Gagliano
Episode Overview
- Childhood messages often create lifelong roles such as caretaker, people-pleaser, perfectionist or invisible child, which can drive addiction and relationship problems.
- Addiction is described as an intimacy substitute, used when people don’t trust others to meet their emotional needs.
- The "warden" or inner critic must be challenged with the help of others, because recovery is a collective process rather than a solo effort.
- Parents are their children’s "first heroes", and validating a child’s feelings can prevent them from turning to destructive coping strategies.
- Recovery usually feels uncomfortable at first, so waiting until you feel like changing may mean you never start; taking action comes before feeling ready.
“A child that doesn’t feel like they matter to their parents… they won’t stop loving their parents. They’ll stop loving themselves.”
What can we learn from those who have battled addiction? This conversation between Ellen Stewart and family dynamics expert and bestselling author Thomas Gagliano centres on how childhood messages shape addiction, relationships, and self-worth. You’ll hear Thomas share raw stories from his own past as "a recovering addict" growing up with an alcoholic, violent father and a mother who used him as a "human shield" in chaotic situations.
He explains how this created roles like caretaker and people-pleaser, and how many adults still act from those patterns without realising it. As he puts it, "A child that doesn’t feel like they matter to their parents… won’t stop loving their parents. They’ll stop loving themselves." Thomas talks about spending 35 years in recovery, sponsoring others, and eventually running 12-step groups in his basement, which led him to focus on childhood messages and their impact on intimacy and parenting.
He describes the "warden" – an inner critic that tells you you’re not good enough and pushes you towards addiction as an intimacy substitute. Recovery, he says, is "a we process, it’s not a me process," stressing the need for sponsors, groups, and trusted people who can challenge that inner voice. The episode also touches on his books, including *The Problem Was Me* and *Don’t Put Your Crap in Your Kid’s Diaper*, and his shift from business into full-time coaching.
One moving highlight is his story of holding his son as the boy cried over the family dog being put to sleep, giving his child the safe emotional space he never had himself.
If you’re curious about how your upbringing might still be driving your behaviour, this chat offers straight-talking examples, practical language around codependency, and encouragement to "get your feet to places they should be, even when your head tells you not to." Ready to look at the messages you grew up with and what they’re still telling you today?
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