Understanding Narcissistic Abuse with Chelsey Brooke ColeUnderstanding Narcissistic Abuse with Chelsey Brooke Cole
The Self-Love Recovery Podcast
Chelsey Brooke Cole talks with Ross Rosenberg about reframing codependency as Self-Love Deficit Disorder and how childhood trauma, shame and loneliness keep people stuck in narcissistic relationships. They outline why trauma-informed, relational therapy and deeper healing of self-worth are key to breaking these patterns.
45:16•29 Apr 2026
From Codependent to Self-Love: Ross Rosenberg on Narcissistic Abuse and Healing
Episode Overview
- Codependency is reframed as Self-Love Deficit Disorder, centred on giving far more care than you receive and staying in one-sided relationships.
- SLDD grows from childhood attachment trauma, leading to core shame and intense, pathological loneliness that pulls people back into harmful relationships.
- Different SLDD styles (passive, active, anorexic) look very different on the surface but share the same pattern of self-neglect and over-giving.
- Survivors often ask "Am I the narcissist?" due to gaslighting and projection; genuine concern about being narcissistic is itself a sign you likely are not.
- Effective healing usually involves trauma-informed, relational therapy that addresses shame and early wounds, not just positive thinking or affirmations.
“A codependent is a person who gives almost all the love, respect, caring, trust and protection in a relationship with hopes that it’s reciprocal—but it’s not, and they stay.”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey while also untangling messy relationships and old family patterns? This conversation between psychotherapists Ross Rosenberg and Chelsey Brooke Cole zooms in on codependency, narcissistic abuse and what Ross now calls Self-Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD).
Rather than painting codependency as a "control problem", Ross traces its history from partners of alcoholics to his own definition: someone who gives almost all the love, respect, care, trust and protection in a relationship, doesn’t get it back, and stays anyway. He explains why he ditched the old label altogether and replaced it with SLDD, rooted in a lack of self-love, deep shame and painful loneliness.
Ross lays out his SLDD pyramid: childhood attachment trauma with a narcissistic parent, core shame ("I’m not good enough"), what he calls pathological loneliness, and the compulsive pull back into relationships. From there, he breaks down different "types" of self-love deficit: passive, active and even anorexic codependency, where someone gives up on intimacy altogether to avoid more hurt.
Chelsey brings it back to everyday questions her clients ask, like "Am I the narcissist?" Ross explains how gaslighting and projection from narcissistic partners can make caring, self-doubting people question their own character. As he puts it, people who genuinely worry they might be narcissistic and seek help almost never are.
Together they talk about what actually helps: trauma-informed therapy, understanding family systems, parts work, and going underneath the quick-fix affirmations to heal shame and attachment wounds so real self-worth can grow. If you’ve ever wondered why you keep ending up with takers despite all your insight and effort, this chat might feel uncomfortably familiar – and quietly hopeful. Ready to stop blaming yourself and start asking what your patterns are trying to tell you?
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