226 - Losing Yourself in Love: Why You Become Whoever They Need You to Be w/ Tammy Sollenberger226 - Losing Yourself in Love: Why You Become Whoever They Need You to Be w/ Tammy Sollenberger
Adult Child
IFS therapist Tammy Sollenberger shares how her lifelong wound of feeling unwanted showed up in grieving her father and in a shattering breakup. The conversation looks at codependency, trauma bonding, and what it might mean to stop becoming whoever others need and start showing up as a whole self.
52:19•15 Apr 2026
Losing Yourself in Love: Tammy Sollenberger on Feeling Unwanted and Finding Her Voice
Episode Overview
- Childhood beliefs like "I am unwanted" can shape how someone shows up in both family and romantic relationships.
- Being included in a parent's end-of-life decisions can create a powerful corrective experience for long-held rejection wounds.
- Hiding needs and becoming who others want may feel safer short term, but leads to deep disconnection from self.
- Trauma bonding often looks like accepting crumbs, clinging to ambiguity, and ignoring inner alarm bells.
- Learning to offer curiosity and comfort to one’s own parts first makes external reassurance from partners more balanced and less desperate.
“"Maybe I've had this narrative my whole life that I am unwanted, unlovable, and this is not true."”
What can we learn from those who have battled addiction and childhood trauma while still trying to figure out love and family? This conversation on Adult Child brings back IFS therapist and The One Inside host, Tammy Sollenberger, for a raw catch‑up on grief, relationships, and that old core wound of feeling "unwanted". Tammy talks openly about the sudden death of her father, a 69‑year‑old heavy drinker who "was still working, partying" right up until his fatal heart attack.
She walks through being eight hours away, yet unexpectedly included in every step by FaceTime – from the emergency room to the decision to stop life support and even funeral planning.
For someone whose nervous system was built around the belief "I am unwanted", that inclusion shook her: "Maybe I've had this narrative my whole life that I am unwanted, unlovable, and this is not true." She and host Andrea compare notes on growing up in dysfunctional, alcoholic homes, being scapegoated, and learning to become whoever people need in order to stay attached.
Tammy describes turning into a "cardboard cutout" at her dad's house, hiding her needs so she wouldn't be mocked in a "rough and tough" male environment, and how that same pattern later played out in her love life. The episode then shifts into Tammy’s devastating breakup from a long‑distance partner she likely loved more intensely than her ex‑husband of 30 years.
She admits waiting in full makeup for late‑night calls, accepting crumbs, and thinking, "the only reason we wouldn't be together is because he died." Together, they unpack trauma bonding, anxious spirals over unanswered texts, and the terror of being "too much" or needy.
If you've ever lost yourself in relationships, or felt you had to earn basic affection because of childhood wounds, this chat might help you ask: what would it look like to stop being the cardboard version of yourself and actually show up as you?
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