#128 Why You Feel Worse Before You Feel Better in Trauma Recovery | The Hidden Role of Grief#128 Why You Feel Worse Before You Feel Better in Trauma Recovery | The Hidden Role of Grief
The Trauma Recovery School
Bonita Ackerman du Preez explains why feeling more emotional after trauma recovery progress may reflect a deeper level of safety and healing. The episode centres on grief as a crucial, often misunderstood stage in trauma and anxiety recovery.
3:20•3 Aug 2026
Why Feeling Worse Can Mean You’re Finally Healing From Trauma
Episode Overview
- Feeling more emotional after progress in trauma recovery is framed as a sign of deeper healing, not relapse.
- Years in survival modes like fight, flight, freeze and fawn prevent the nervous system from processing full grief at the time.
- Trauma survivors often carry grief for who they were, who they never got to become, and the parts that had to hide to stay safe.
- Intense grief is described as a brain-led process based on neuroscience, indicating increased safety and resources rather than weakness.
- Gently allowing tears, heaviness and rest in small doses is recommended so the nervous system can handle the release over time.
“It’s not that your recovery is going backwards, it’s that your recovery is finally deep enough for the grief to come.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety and trauma healing when things suddenly feel worse instead of better? This episode of The Trauma Recovery School zeroes in on that unnerving moment when, after some progress, you can't stop crying, feel oddly heavy, or worry you're slipping backwards. Master trauma recovery therapist Bonita Ackerman du Preez talks straight to anyone who’s wondering, "Is this a relapse?" Her answer is a firm no.
As she puts it, "It’s not that your recovery is going backwards, it’s that your recovery is finally deep enough for the grief to come." You’ll hear how years spent in survival modes like fight, flight, freeze and fawn mean your nervous system simply couldn’t afford to feel the full weight of what you’d lost at the time, so it stored it away.
The episode breaks down the "three griefs" so many trauma survivors carry: grief for who you were before, grief for who you never got to become, and grief for the parts of you that had to hide to stay safe. Bonita explains that this surge of emotion is "neuroscience, it’s not weakness" – your brain is finally cueing the grief now that your body has more resources and a sense of safety.
For anyone in alcohol or addiction recovery who’s suddenly overwhelmed by emotion, this perspective can feel like a huge relief. Rather than closing down, Bonita encourages you to dose your nervous system with small, manageable bits of feeling: lie down when your body asks, cry when the tears come, and treat this wave of sadness as a sign that your system is beginning to trust the ground under your feet.
If you’ve been scared that your tears mean you’re failing, this conversation might help you ask a different question: what if feeling worse is actually proof that you’re finally safe enough to feel?
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