243 - The Caregiving Trap: When the Parent You're Estranged From Becomes Your Responsibility w/ Katherine St. Claire243 - The Caregiving Trap: When the Parent You're Estranged From Becomes Your Responsibility w/ Katherine St. Claire
Adult Child
Andrea Ashley talks with Katherine St. Claire about becoming legal guardian to the abusive father she’d gone no contact with and the emotional toll of that responsibility. The conversation outlines real options for caring for unsafe parents without sacrificing personal safety or recovery.
1:08:42•12 Aug 2026
When Abusive Parents Need Care: Katherine St. Claire on Breaking the Caregiving Trap
Episode Overview
- Adult children can prioritise their own safety while ensuring abusive parents are housed and medically cared for by third parties.
- Continuing contact with abusive parents often keeps trauma alive; acceptance of who they are can also mean recognising they are permanently unsafe.
- Up to one in four people caring for ageing parents may be looking after someone who hurt them, yet most think their only choices are total caregiving or abandonment.
- Legal, financial and care systems can be used to set up support for abusive parents so adult children don’t have to provide hands-on care.
- Professionals should never assume loving, healthy bonds in families and need to ask directly about dynamics before urging bedside goodbyes or emotional obligations.
“You are allowed to make sure a person is safe and still refuse to be the one holding their hand.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety and healing when the very people who hurt them become their responsibility? This episode of **Adult Child** zooms in on a brutal and rarely discussed reality: being legally responsible for an abusive, estranged parent. Host Andrea Ashley talks with writer and abuse survivor Katherine St. Claire, whose story starts with four years of no contact and a lifetime marked by domestic violence, gaslighting, and emotional neglect.
Then, at 82, Katherine’s father is arrested for trying to strangle her mother, and within six hours Katherine and her sister are made legal guardians of both parents. As Katherine puts it, "You are allowed to make sure a person is safe and still refuse to be the one holding their hand." You’ll hear how childhood patterns of over-responsibility and people-pleasing collide with eldercare, and why Katherine finally chose safety over obligation.
The conversation digs into the impact of growing up with violence that’s denied, love withdrawn as punishment, and a parent who sees children as extensions, not as humans. Andrea and Katherine talk about ambiguous grief, the pressure to forgive, and the hard line between acceptance and ever letting unsafe parents back in. Katherine also shares striking research: of roughly 68 million people in the U.S.
caring for an ageing parent, up to one in four are caring for someone who harmed them. She outlines how legal, financial and care systems can take over so adult children aren’t forced to re-live their trauma in hands-on caregiving, and describes her work building resources and speaking with social workers to change how professionals approach these families.
If you’ve gone no contact, feel trapped by expectations around ageing parents, or just want language for saying “enough”, this conversation might help you feel less alone and more clear. What would it mean for you to choose safety over obligation, even when the rest of the world says you owe more?
Do you want to link to this podcast?
Get the buttons here!
More From This Show
The latest episodes from the same podcast.