247 - What Happens When Only One of You Does the Work: Family Role Dynamics and What Repair Actually Takes w/ Dr. Angelica Shiels247 - What Happens When Only One of You Does the Work: Family Role Dynamics and What Repair Actually Takes w/ Dr. Angelica Shiels
Adult Child
Andrea Ashley and Dr. Angelica Shiels talk about how childhood family roles and nervous system conditioning shape adult relationships, especially when only one person is working on themselves. The conversation looks at grief, shame and willingness as central pieces of genuine repair between partners.
1:11:25•9 Sept 2026
When Only One Partner Does the Work: Family Roles, Trauma Language and Real Repair
Episode Overview
- Childhood family roles such as golden child, scapegoat, parentified and lost child strongly shape how people show up in adult relationships.
- Real change in couples work depends on regulation and willingness, not just learning new communication techniques.
- Key emotional states that need to be tolerated and sometimes shared with a partner are defectiveness, powerlessness, uncertainty and wrongness.
- Using the term trauma carelessly can blur the line between deep nervous system injury and learned conditioning, which matters for treatment.
- When one partner is doing the work and the other isn’t, grief and letting go of bargaining fantasies become essential steps toward self-protection.
“All the healing work in the world won't make someone else willing to do their own.”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey? This conversation between host Andrea Ashley and clinical psychologist Dr. Angelica Shiels digs into what really happens in relationships when only one person does the emotional work. You’ll hear Andrea frame the show through her own history as an adult child of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic with 18 years of sobriety, then hand things over to Dr. Shiels, who works with couples and families using Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Rather than focusing on “communication skills”, Dr. Shiels talks about how regulation, shame, and nervous system conditioning drive conflict long before anyone opens their mouth. A big chunk of the chat looks at classic family roles — golden child, scapegoat, parentified child, and lost child — and how these patterns show up in adult relationships. Dr.
Shiels explains why pairings like the parentified caretaker with the high-achieving “golden” partner can feel like a perfect fit at first, then start to crumble when real needs and disappointment enter the picture. They also get into four emotional states that tend to blow couples up: defectiveness, powerlessness, uncertainty and wrongness. As Dr. Shiels puts it, the goal isn’t to avoid these feelings, but to make it safe to be human in front of your partner.
She’s clear that this can be risky if the other person isn’t doing their own work, which leads to a frank discussion about grief, bargaining, and the brutal moment you realise someone simply isn’t willing to change.
For anyone from a dysfunctional family who’s doing big healing work while their partner stays stuck, this episode offers language, validation, and a reality check: “All the healing work in the world won’t make someone else willing to do their own.” It’s challenging, real, and may have you asking whose needs you’re protecting — theirs or yours.
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