259 - How Internalized Homophobia fueled his addiction and kept him from growing in his recovery: Ben Harrison259 - How Internalized Homophobia fueled his addiction and kept him from growing in his recovery: Ben Harrison
Real Recovery Talk
Ben Harrison shares how childhood bullying, shame about being gay and internalised homophobia drove his addiction and later shaped his recovery work. Through AA, therapy and deep trauma work, he describes finding long-term sobriety and a place of real self-acceptance.
1:07:18•5 Mar 2023
How Internalised Homophobia Fed Ben Harrison’s Addiction and Recovery
Episode Overview
- Internalised homophobia can hide beneath years of outward pride and still create deep self-hatred, shame and insecurity.
- Alcohol and drugs may feel like a solution at first, especially against bullying and suicidal thoughts, but eventually turn life unmanageable.
- True change often starts when someone simply says, “I see you, and I’m here if you want to talk,” creating a bridge to honesty and acceptance.
- Long-term recovery is built one day at a time, with meetings, sponsorship and service helping keep the disease in check.
- LGBTQ people in recovery need spaces where they don’t have to tone themselves down to be accepted, and professionals should learn to recognise and support that.
“If you are a person who is a member of the LGBTQ community, I want you to know that there is always a place for you at the table.”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol? For Ben Harrison, it was a mix of deep shame, identity struggle, and a powerful moment of finally being seen. This episode of Real Recovery Talk follows Ben’s journey as a gay man whose internalised homophobia poured fuel on his addiction and later complicated his early sobriety.
Ben shares growing up in a small Massachusetts town where he was bullied and taunted as “Ben gay” long before he even understood what gay meant. When he finally came out at 19, after a co-worker gently said, “You’re gay. I want you to know that I know, and when you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here for you,” it felt life-saving.
At the same time, it opened the door to heavy drinking, cocaine, crack and eventually meth, all wrapped up in a search for acceptance and belonging in different social and LGBTQ subcultures. You’ll hear how his addiction escalated in Florida, how suicidal thoughts shifted from “because I’m gay” to “because I’m miserable and alone,” and how a felony DUI finally pushed him into treatment.
Three years into sobriety, a therapist asked him about his first sexual experience and read a definition that hit him hard: internalised homophobia is when “they then turn those ideas inward, believing that they are true, and experiencing self-hatred as a result.” That realisation changed everything. Ben, host Tom Conrad, and co-host Ben B. talk honestly about shame, bullying, trauma, and why drugs and alcohol can feel like they “save your life” before they nearly end it.
Ben now has almost 21 years sober and works as a therapist, using his own story to help others uncover the hidden beliefs that keep them stuck. If you or someone you care about is both queer and struggling with addiction, this conversation might be exactly the kind of honesty you’ve been waiting for. What walls could be coming down if you didn’t have to hide who you are anymore?
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