368. You Can’t Shame Someone Into Change - Pre-conetemplation stages of change mini series368. You Can’t Shame Someone Into Change - Pre-conetemplation stages of change mini series
How I quit alcohol
Danni Carr explains the pre-contemplation stage of change, highlighting why shame rarely works and how addictive behaviours can feel protective. She offers gentle strategies for supporting loved ones and invites self-reflection on where listeners might be resisting their own change.
17:31•16 May 2026
Why Shame Won’t Spark Change: Understanding Pre-Contemplation
Episode Overview
- Shame, criticism and punishment rarely lead to lasting behavioural change, because people change when they feel safe, not attacked.
- Addictive or harmful behaviours often serve a purpose, such as numbing pain or easing loneliness, so understanding their function is essential.
- Supporting someone in pre-contemplation works best through gentle connection: listening without rescuing, asking open questions and offering information without pressure.
- Modelling healthy behaviour and maintaining clear, loving boundaries can protect one’s own wellbeing while still leaving the door open for future change.
- Many people sit in their own pre-contemplation, so meeting personal habits with curiosity rather than harsh self-judgement can open the door to future change.
“You can't shame someone into sustainable transformation.”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol? This episode zooms in on the very first step many people sit in for years: the pre-contemplation stage of change. Host Danni Carr kicks off a mini series on the Stages of Change model developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, breaking down how people actually shift long-term habits like drinking, smoking or overworking.
She reminds you that change, as she puts it, "is rarely linear" and that most of us don't just wake up "fully self-aware" and instantly transformed. Instead, Danni looks at the stage where someone either doesn’t see their behaviour as a problem, or sees it but isn’t ready to let go. From the outside, it can look like pure denial, defensiveness or laziness.
But she keeps coming back to one crucial idea: the behaviour is usually "serving a purpose" – numbing difficult emotions, easing loneliness, or helping someone feel like they can cope. You’ll hear why shaming, lecturing, punishing or buying someone a recovery course they’re not ready for tends to backfire.
As Danni bluntly says, "You can't shame someone into sustainable transformation." Instead, she lays out gentler, more realistic ways to support someone stuck in pre-contemplation: listening without rescuing, asking soft questions like "What’s it doing for you at the moment?", modelling healthy behaviour, and keeping loving boundaries.
She also turns the mirror back on the listener, suggesting that many of us are in pre-contemplation about our own patterns – the habits we minimise, the relationships we cling to, the ways we abandon ourselves. Rather than piling on guilt, she invites a shift from judgement to curiosity: what is this behaviour actually doing for me, and what might it look like to meet myself with a bit more kindness?
If you’ve ever wanted change more for someone else than they seem to want it for themselves, this conversation might help you step back, breathe, and rethink your approach.
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