#807 Sexual Self-Esteem & Sex Therapy - Sari Cooper#807 Sexual Self-Esteem & Sex Therapy - Sari Cooper
Mental Illness Happy Hour
Sex therapist Sari Cooper talks with Paul Gilmartin about shame, trauma, fantasies and sexual self-esteem, sharing how body awareness and honest conversation can reshape intimacy. The discussion touches on dissociation, out-of-control sexual behaviour and practical ways couples can rebuild trust and consent around sex.
2:09:03•3 Jul 2026
Sex, Shame and Starting Over: Sari Cooper on Building Sexual Self-Esteem
Episode Overview
- Sexual difficulties are often tied to disconnection from the body, caused by trauma, strict upbringing, or messages that label desire as shameful or sinful.
- Fantasies, including kink or ravage fantasies, are framed as the mind’s creative way of working with fear and history, not automatic evidence of pathology.
- Healthy sexual agreements come from honest conversations about wants, limits and who an act is for, with room for one partner to give or allow as a gift rather than obligation.
- For survivors of sexual trauma, rebuilding safety may mean non-sexual touch, body maps of safe and unsafe areas, and partners learning to respect slow, clearly defined consent.
- Out-of-control sexual behaviour is treated as a coping tool that grew around deeper wounds, with change focused on living in line with personal values rather than rigid external rules.
““Most people, because of trauma, background, or what they were taught, learn from a very young age that they should not trust what is being felt inside their body.””
What drives someone to seek a life with more honest, connected sex rather than silent shame? Comedian and host Paul Gilmartin sits down with sex therapist and former professional dancer Sari Cooper for a long, candid chat about sexual self-esteem, trauma, and what it really takes to feel at home in your own body. Sari shares how growing up with a brother diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and a volatile family environment pushed her towards movement and, eventually, therapy.
Dance became her first language for feelings she “didn’t have words for”, and that same body awareness now shapes her work as a sex therapist.
She explains how many people arrive in therapy completely cut off from their physical sensations: “Most people, because of trauma… learn from a very young age that they should not trust what is being felt inside their body.” You’ll hear them unpack low libido, performance pressure, and the myth that men should always be ready for sex.
Sari walks through her bio-psycho-social-sexual-spiritual assessment, why she asks detailed sexual histories, and how shame and secrecy around mental illness and sex collide in couples’ lives. There’s plenty on fantasies too—ravage fantasies, cuckolding, and kink—always framed as the brain’s creative way of working through fear, not as automatic pathology. The conversation also covers dissociation during sex, out-of-control sexual behaviour, porn compulsivity, and how partners can support someone who is only just starting to process sexual trauma.
Sari’s emphasis on consent, choice, and small, body-based experiments (like mapping safe and unsafe touch) offers practical ways to rebuild trust in your own signals. If you’ve ever wondered whether your desires are “normal”, or felt broken by past experiences, this honest, occasionally funny, and very human chat might make you feel far less alone. What would change for you if sex felt like true choice instead of obligation?
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