Anger: The Emotion You're Not Supposed To Feel But Definitely DoAnger: The Emotion You're Not Supposed To Feel But Definitely Do
Hopestream for parenting kids through drug use and addiction
Brenda Zane talks openly about the anger parents feel toward a child using substances, separating anger at the situation from anger at the child. She shares personal stories and practical strategies to treat anger as a useful signal rather than a shameful secret.
29:37•23 Jul 2026
Anger, Grief and Boundaries: What Parents Aren’t Supposed to Admit
Episode Overview
- Anger at the situation is often grief in disguise, while anger at your child usually signals a crossed boundary.
- Unacknowledged anger tends to leak out as sarcasm, silence, blow-ups or self-directed shame, harming key relationships.
- Viewing anger as a signal rather than a character flaw helps you pause and choose a response instead of reacting.
- Physical outlets like walking, cleaning, driving or being in nature can help discharge anger more safely.
- Caring for your own anger protects your child and loved ones from becoming collateral damage of your emotional overload.
“Think of it as a data point. It is a signal to you that something you value got violated.”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol? For many parents, it’s the chaos and heartbreak of watching a teen or young adult spiral through substance use – and the messy emotions that come with it. This episode of Hopestream zooms in on one emotion most parents try to hide: anger. Host Brenda Zane, a mum with first-hand experience of her son’s addiction, talks candidly about feeling furious with a child you deeply love.
She makes a crucial distinction: “There is a big difference between having anger at the situation that you’re in… versus having anger at your child specifically.” Anger at the situation, she explains, is often “grief wearing a mask”, while anger at your child is usually a sign that a boundary has been crossed. Brenda shares a raw story from a McDonald’s car park, where she realised her son had tricked her into funding a drug deal.
Her reaction – “I said some pretty horrible things, including ‘don’t ever come home again’” – shows how unprocessed anger and grief can explode and damage fragile connection. Rather than shaming parents for these moments, she reframes anger as information: “Think of it as a data point.
It is a signal to you that something you value got violated.” From there, she talks through practical ways to handle it: creating a pause between feeling and reacting, using physical outlets like walking or “rage cleaning”, and seeking support from partners, therapists, or other parents. This episode is especially helpful for parents who feel like ‘bad mums’ or ‘bad dads’ for feeling rage. You’ll hear that anger doesn’t cancel out love; it may actually show how much you care.
The real question is: what are you going to do with that anger next time it shows up?
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