Couples Work: Navigating Conflict (Part 1)

Couples Work: Navigating Conflict (Part 1)

Get ready to be moved by real-life accounts of how messy, funny and tender couple conflict can be when Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is in the mix. This instalment of the Couples Work mini-series follows therapist and host Sara Abbott and her husband Talon as they chat through the first five skills from a free worksheet on handling conflict in relationships.

Across the conversation, you’ll hear them unpack their “conflict templates” from childhood – from hidden parental arguments to screaming matches and that heavy feeling of being “an inconvenience” as a kid. That history leads straight into how they now react as adults, using the classic fight / flight / freeze / fawn framework. Sara jokes that, “I’m a runner. Flight,” while Talon slowly realises he’s more of a freeze-with-a-bit-of-fawn partner.

They then break down the difference between what you’re fighting about and how you’re fighting – or, as the worksheet puts it, the “lyrics and the music”. Money comes up as their most charged topic, with Sara admitting, “I will pick fights around money,” and Talon calmly framing finances as something you can literally put in a spreadsheet.

Things get very practical with ideas like using a “talk rock” (in their case, a crocheted office chicken) to take turns speaking and listening, plus agreeing to separate problem discussion from problem solving so partners feel heard before anyone jumps into fix-it mode. One of the most moving parts is Talon describing how he supported Sara through a brutal depressive episode by holding the house and pets together while she focused on therapy and medication.

The episode ends on a big reframe: “Hate the moment, not the person.” For anyone with BPD, their partners, or couples who feel stuck in the same old rows, this conversation shows conflict can be worked with – even if it’s never, ever “cute”. What might shift if you focused on the issue instead of blaming each other?