Ep343 – The Five Love Languages with Monica TannerEp343 – The Five Love Languages with Monica Tanner
Untoxicated Podcast
Matt and Sheri talk with relationship and sex therapist Monica Tanner about The Five Love Languages, emotional safety, and intimacy in the shadow of addiction. The conversation looks at self-responsibility, clear requests, and how couples can rebuild connection without blame.
1:20:26•13 Apr 2026
Love Languages, Sobriety and Sex: Monica Tanner on Rebuilding Intimacy
Episode Overview
- No partner is responsible for another person’s drinking, and blaming lack of sex or affection for alcohol use is deeply manipulative.
- Healthy intimacy after addiction depends on emotional safety and trust before focusing on sex.
- Each person is responsible for meeting their own core needs, while also clearly and kindly asking their partner for support.
- Complaints and resentment can be turned into practical change by making loving, extremely specific requests and appreciating any progress.
- Differences in love languages, money habits, and desire can become strengths when couples stay curious instead of defensive.
“We teach each other how to treat each other.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety? This conversation on the Untoxicated Podcast looks at love, sex, and partnership through the lens of addiction recovery and The Five Love Languages. Matt and Sheri Salis sit down with relationship and sex therapist Monica Tanner to talk about how love languages can help – and sometimes hurt – couples dealing with alcoholism and its aftermath.
Monica brings her experience as a relational life therapist, her own 23-year marriage, and a childhood marked by divorce. She talks openly about anxious attachment, being a "massive fixer", and learning the hard truth that "no human can change another human". The chat moves from light-hearted family stories (including bad gifts and teenage opinions about who causes most of dad’s problems) into deeper issues like emotional safety, shame, and rebuilding intimacy after addiction.
Monica strongly challenges the idea that a partner is responsible for another’s drinking, calling statements like, "You know my love language is physical touch, and yet you withhold sex, and that’s why I drink" very manipulative. You'll hear practical ways couples can ask for what they need without guilt or blame, including Monica’s three-step process for turning complaints into clear, kind requests.
She shares how she had to learn to "pat herself on the back" at the end of the day to meet her own need for words of affirmation, while also directly teaching her husband how she wants to be treated. The episode is aimed at couples whose relationships have been battered by alcohol, but it’s just as relevant for anyone trying to rebuild trust, intimacy, and mutual respect.
It’s honest, occasionally funny, and full of real-life examples that make hard topics feel less heavy. If your relationship has been strained by addiction, how could clearer requests and better self-talk change the way you connect?
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