Ep352 – Sexual Consent and Emotional Intimacy with Amanda DamesEp352 – Sexual Consent and Emotional Intimacy with Amanda Dames
Untoxicated Podcast
Matt and Sherry talk with sexologist Amanda Dames about consent, shame, and sexual coercion, especially in relationships affected by alcohol. The conversation looks at rebuilding trust and emotional safety so intimacy can become mutually wanted and genuinely safe again.
1:08:15•15 Jun 2026
Sex, Consent and Safety After Alcohol: Amanda Dames on Rebuilding Intimacy
Episode Overview
- Shame cuts off honest communication about sex and can fuel both psychological and physical sexual difficulties.
- Clear consent works best when discussed before arousal, outlining desires, limits and safety so both partners can relax.
- Sexual coercion, especially in relationships affected by alcohol, breaks trust and often leads partners to use their bodies just to feel safer.
- Emotional safety and feeling genuinely seen, respected and desired are crucial for many partners to experience sexual desire.
- When bringing up kink or new desires, link the activity to how you hope to feel, ask permission to share, stay curious, and end with gratitude, even if the answer is no.
“"You're using your body as a tool to return to safety."”
What can we learn from those who have battled addiction? This conversation brings sex, consent and emotional safety right into the messy middle of real relationships affected by alcohol. Matt and Sherry Salis sit down with sexologist and somatic sex and relationship coach Amanda Dames, host of The Kink Consultant podcast, to talk frankly about how shame, coercion and silence can wreck trust in long‑term partnerships.
Amanda explains that, "shame shuts down your ability to communicate," and that silence around sex leaves couples relying on guesswork rather than clear consent. You’ll hear how the kink community’s consent practices – talking through desires, boundaries and safety *before* anyone is turned on – can actually make intimacy hotter and calmer instead of awkward. Amanda pushes back on the idea that checking in “ruins the mood”, describing how early conversations free both partners to relax and enjoy.
For anyone whose relationship has been rocked by alcoholism or emotional abuse, the most searing moments centre on sexual coercion. Matt and Sherry describe years where drunken begging for sex, or agreeing just to “keep the peace”, left Sherry feeling unsafe in her own body. Amanda names the core wound clearly: "You're using your body as a tool to return to safety," and explains why that kind of non‑negotiated power imbalance shatters trust and makes recovery so hard.
The episode also looks at porn as a terrible teacher, the gap between male and female arousal needs, and why many women need the house, the kids and their nervous system to feel calm before sex feels appealing. Amanda shares practical scripts for raising “kinky for us” ideas with a partner, and how to handle a shaming or fearful response without abandoning yourself.
If alcohol, shame or old patterns have twisted sex into a source of stress, this honest, funny and deeply validating chat might be the nudge you need to start a braver conversation at home.
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