Ep354 – How a Lack of Safety Causes a Lack of ConnectionEp354 – How a Lack of Safety Causes a Lack of Connection
Untoxicated Podcast
Matt and Sheri talk about how emotional safety, or the lack of it, affects connection, sobriety, family roles, and self-soothing habits. They share personal family stories and practical ways to reduce fear and build safer, more connected relationships.
1:19:20•29 Jun 2026
How Emotional Safety Shapes Sobriety, Family, and Real Connection
Episode Overview
- Emotional safety is presented as a non-negotiable requirement for genuine connection and relationship recovery.
- Many partners feel they have given “so many signs” about alcohol and emotional pain, yet are dismissed until separation or divorce looms.
- Childhood modelling of dismissive listening and teasing can make adults unsafe partners and unsafe adult children to their ageing parents.
- Fear often drives self-soothing behaviours such as drinking, overeating, scrolling, overworking, or compulsive cleaning.
- Simple practices like reality-checking fears, calming breath work, and releasing rigid outcomes can ease anxiety and support sobriety.
“We have to be emotionally safe 100% of the time.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety? This conversation between Matt and Sheri Salis shows just how much emotional safety shapes every part of recovery, relationships, and family life. You’ll hear them use Taylor Swift’s song “exile” as a surprisingly perfect way to talk about communication breakdown in alcoholic and emotionally unsafe relationships.
That recurring line, “You never gave a warning sign” / “I gave so many signs,” mirrors the stories they hear from partners who have begged for change for years, only to be ignored until separation or divorce is on the table. The heart of the episode is safety.
Matt and Sheri argue that authentic connection is impossible without it, and that “we have to be emotionally safe 100% of the time.” They unpack how childhood modelling of dismissal, teasing, and one-sided power dynamics trained them to minimise feelings and ignore emotional cues. Matt shares honestly about being the family “teaser” and realising, in the middle of his mum’s serious health issues, that he’s simply not the safe person she reaches for.
Sheri reflects on her late mum’s verbal attacks near the end of life, and the pain of never getting a chance to repair the relationship. Both of them use these experiences to highlight how a lack of safety slowly erodes connection, then leaves huge regrets when time runs out.
They also talk about how fear fuels self-soothing habits—whether that’s alcohol, scrolling, junk food, overworking, or compulsive cleaning—and why building emotional safety inside and outside the relationship reduces the urge to escape. Practical ideas like conscious reality checks, simple breath work, and letting go of rigid outcomes show up as small but meaningful steps.
This is a raw, relatable listen for anyone affected by alcohol, emotional abuse, or anxious attachment in relationships; could focusing on emotional safety be the missing piece in your own recovery story?
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