Saying What Matters 9 | Teaching Your Partner How to Treat YouSaying What Matters 9 | Teaching Your Partner How to Treat You
The Millennium Counseling Center Podcast
Conversation between Oren Matteson and Rahsaan Nurullah about how partners teach each other how to treat them, the role of silence, and different communication styles. They share practical ways to build grace, active listening and clearer expression of needs in relationships.
15:30•5 Aug 2026
Teaching Your Partner How to Treat You Without Losing Yourself
Episode Overview
- Silence in a relationship can unintentionally signal that hurtful behaviour is acceptable.
- Each person needs to share their own “instructional manual” so partners know how to show up for them.
- Different processing styles—immediate reaction versus delayed reflection—can work if both people understand and respect them.
- Recognising that each person’s perspective is real for them helps build grace and reduces harsh judgement.
- Active listening tools, such as timed speaking and reflecting back what was heard, can deepen connection and understanding.
“You have to train your partner how to treat you, because you have the instructional manual that you need to teach them throughout interactions.”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol? For many, it’s the desire for healthier, more honest relationships – and that’s exactly where this conversation between Oren Matteson and Rahsaan Nurullah lands. The episode centres on a simple but challenging idea: “you have to train your partner how to treat you.” Oren explains that each person holds their own “instructional manual” for how they need to be loved, supported, and respected.
If you stay quiet when something doesn’t sit right, you may be teaching your partner that their behaviour is fine, even when it stings. Silence, they suggest, can quietly approve what actually hurts. Rahsaan and Oren contrast different communication styles: one partner who speaks up immediately versus another who needs to journal, walk, or meditate before talking. They show how both can work, as long as each person understands their own process and shares it.
Along the way, they touch on judgement, emotional triggers, and how men in particular often miss early emotional education, making this learning curve steeper. A standout section looks at perspective and grace, using the old-school beach ball metaphor – two people can see different colours and both be right. That image leads into a bigger message: whatever someone experiences is real for them, even if it’s not your experience.
To bring this into everyday life, they share a practical active listening exercise: set a three-minute timer, ask a question, and just listen. Then reflect back what you heard—not your opinion, just their words. Anyone in recovery who’s trying to rebuild relationships, upgrade communication, or stop repeating old patterns will find plenty to relate to here. It’s a gentle nudge to speak up, listen harder, and ask: what am I teaching people about how to treat me?
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