"That Never Happened": How Out-Of-Control Emotions Warps Memory

"That Never Happened": How Out-Of-Control Emotions Warps Memory

How do people cope with the challenges of staying close to someone whose emotions are always on a knife edge? This episode of *A Little Help For Our Friends* zooms in on what happens when big feelings collide with fragile memories – and why two people can walk away from the same argument with completely different stories. Psychologist Dr Kibby McMahon breaks down how mood warps memory, explaining that our brains *build* memories rather than replaying a perfect recording.

She talks about "mood-congruent bias" – that tendency for anger, shame or sadness to pull in every other angry, shameful or sad memory, until the other person suddenly feels "all bad" in your mind. As she puts it, "Emotion is kind of like a drug.

It distorts the way we see things and remember things." You’ll hear Kibby share her own confusing childhood experiences of being told, "that never happened," when she remembers being hurt, and how having outside witnesses helped her trust her reality. She also unpacks how this plays out in conditions like borderline personality disorder, trauma and other serious mental illnesses – including how intense emotions can sometimes spill into hallucinations or delusional thinking.

For anyone stuck in the "that never happened" loop with a loved one, this episode offers three clear strategies: don’t get dragged into arguing over the exact details, focus on validating the emotion rather than the facts, and don’t confess to things you genuinely don’t remember just to keep the peace. Kibby shows how you can say, "I don’t remember it that way, and I can see how painful it feels for you," without erasing your own experience.

If you’ve ever walked away from an argument wondering, "Am I losing my mind, or are we living in two different realities?", this conversation might give you a new way to respond – and a bit more compassion for yourself and the person you care about.