Why We Chase the Unavailable: The Clinical Roots of Anxious-Avoidant Relationship CyclesWhy We Chase the Unavailable: The Clinical Roots of Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Cycles
A Little Help For Our Friends
The conversation looks at why people chase emotionally unavailable partners through the lenses of scarcity, attachment theory and brain science. Dr. Kibby shares personal experiences and clinical strategies to help break the pursue–withdraw cycle and seek safer connection.
1:07:02•15 Apr 2026
Why We Get Hooked on Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Episode Overview
- Emotionally unavailable partners feel more valuable because scarcity and intermittent attention trigger powerful reward and addiction-like responses.
- Anxious attachment tends to push people into pursuing harder when they sense distance, while avoidant attachment shuts down to feel safe, creating a self-reinforcing pursue–withdraw loop.
- Survival mode in relationships means you may be reacting to old attachment wounds rather than to who your partner actually is in the present.
- Self-regulation tools such as naming your anxious state, seeking safe connection with others, and using images or memories of secure relationships can lower attachment threat.
- Clear, modest requests for reassurance and planned check-ins can help anxiously and avoidantly attached partners feel safer without overwhelming each other.
“You might be chasing an unavailable partner not because of that partner, not because you actually love that person or are seeing who they are. You might just be chasing them for your own regulation.”
How do people cope with the challenges of staying connected when relationships feel unsafe? This episode of *A Little Help For Our Friends* zooms in on the all‑too‑familiar pattern of chasing emotionally unavailable partners and why it can feel as compulsive as any addiction. Dr. Kibby McMahon breaks down two core forces at play. First is the scarcity principle: when someone’s time, affection, or commitment is limited, it suddenly feels more precious.
She uses examples from dating culture and even reality TV to show how “playing hard to get” can hook you like a slot machine, with random “jackpot” moments of attention keeping you invested. Then she gets clinical, unpacking anxious and avoidant attachment styles and how they feed the classic “pursue–withdraw” cycle.
Those with anxious attachment often feel under threat when a message goes unread or a partner pulls away; brain systems linked to rejection light up and survival mode kicks in. Avoidant partners, on the other hand, have learned that closeness itself can feel dangerous, so they shut down to stay safe.
As Kibby puts it, “You might be chasing an unavailable partner not because of that partner… You might just be chasing them for your own regulation.” You’ll hear her personal stories of obsessing over distant partners while dealing with family illness and addiction, and how that chase became a distraction from deeper pain.
She offers practical tools too: naming when you’re in fight‑or‑flight, using “attachment security priming” (like looking at photos of loving moments), asking for small “safe haven” check‑ins, and setting predictable times to reconnect. This episode speaks to anyone who keeps getting pulled back into unhealthy dynamics and wants a clearer, science‑based way to understand what’s really going on. Could your pursuit of the unavailable be less about them, and more about a nervous system desperate to feel safe?
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