How to Set Healthy Boundaries in High-Conflict RelationshipsHow to Set Healthy Boundaries in High-Conflict Relationships
A Little Help For Our Friends
Focuses on how to set clear, respectful boundaries in emotionally intense, high-conflict relationships using a DBT-based framework. Emphasises avoiding criticism and control, and instead centring on specific behaviours, autonomy, and mutual connection.
58:34•20 May 2026
Setting Boundaries Without Blowing Up High-Conflict Relationships
Episode Overview
- Healthy boundaries sit between total enmeshment and complete cut-off, allowing both connection and a clear sense of self.
- Common boundary mistakes include personal attacks, trying to control the other person with threats or ultimatums, and making vague demands like “be more respectful”.
- Effective boundaries focus on specific behaviours and dynamics, not on labelling someone as the problem.
- The DEAR MAN skill (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce) offers a clear structure for asking for change and stating what you will do differently.
- Respecting the other person’s autonomy – accepting that they may say no or choose differently – reduces defensiveness and makes lasting change more likely.
“Boundaries should protect your autonomy and independence in a relationship, not become a way to get more control over someone else’s behaviour.”
How do people cope with the challenges of staying sober? Here, the focus shifts slightly: it’s less about alcohol itself and more about the messy relationships that can make or break anyone’s mental health. This episode zeroes in on high-conflict relationships with people who have intense, dysregulated emotions – think partners, children, or siblings whose anger can feel like “World War Three”.
Dr Kibby McMahon talks directly to those who feel torn between compassion and self-protection: the ones who want to be supportive, but who are tired of being yelled at, blamed, or blindsided. You’ll hear her break down three big boundary mistakes: turning “boundaries” into character attacks, trying to control the other person through threats and ultimatums, and keeping things so vague (“just be more respectful”) that no one actually knows what needs to change.
Her own story about a past marriage – where repeated fights about work, money, and effort spiralled into demand-and-withdraw battles – keeps the theory grounded and relatable. The heart of the episode is a practical framework from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy called DEAR MAN. Kibby shows how to use it to set boundaries that are specific, clear, and respectful of both people’s autonomy.
Instead of “you need to stop being such a jerk”, it becomes: describe what happened, express how it felt, assert a concrete request, and reinforce what will go well if things change – plus what you’ll do differently if they don’t. This is especially useful for anyone with a loved one who has anger issues or traits of borderline personality disorder and who feels stuck between total enmeshment and cutting off contact.
If you’ve ever thought, “I either have to take it or blow up and leave,” this conversation offers a third option. What kind of boundaries could help you stay kind without being a doormat?
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