The extremes of loveThe extremes of love
All In The Mind
From old fashioned 'lovesickness' to sex addiction, obsession, and jealousy — how does society decide what's normal in love? Drawing on the latest scientific research into the mechanisms underlying love and romantic attachment, a leading psychotherapist explores the extremes of love.
28:52•18 Nov 2018
The Extremes of Love: Obsession, Jealousy and Addiction in the Therapist’s Chair
Episode Overview
- Romantic love can produce symptoms similar to mental illness, including mood instability, obsession and even suicidal thoughts after rejection.
- Conditions like De Clérambault’s syndrome show how ordinary people can develop delusional beliefs about being loved, leading to stalking and major life disruption.
- Pathological jealousy often stems from deep insecurity and can destroy relationships, with a significant proportion of murders linked to jealous partners.
- Sex and romantic attachment can function like addictions, with brain chemistry and behaviour patterns resembling those seen in substance dependence.
- Psychotherapy around love and desire is often messy, uncertain and difficult, and societal attitudes tend to underestimate how serious these struggles can be.
“"We are all walking along the edge of a precipice. And it doesn't take much to push you off."”
Understand the complexities of addiction with insights from psychotherapist and author Dr Frank Tallis, as he talks with host Lynne Malcolm about how romantic love can slide into obsession, illness and even danger. This conversation on All In The Mind looks at love not as a fluffy rom-com plot, but as a force that can wreck lives as surely as any drug.
Drawing on cases from his book *The Incurable Romantic and Other Unsettling Revelations*, Dr Tallis talks about classical "lovesickness" and why he thinks we use the term far too lightly. He notes that even healthy love can involve "episodes of depression and melancholy, general instability of mood, obsession" and that heartbreak lights up the brain in ways similar to physical pain.
You’ll hear about Megan, an apparently ordinary, happily married woman whose sudden, intense fixation on her dentist grew into De Clérambault’s syndrome – a delusional conviction that he secretly loved her back. Her relentless pursuit eventually drove him to leave the country, showing how what he calls "normal love writ very, very large" can overturn a life.
Dr Tallis also describes Anita’s destructive jealousy, where endless checking and accusations strain a relationship to breaking point, and shares the grim statistic that around 10% of murders are thought to be linked to jealousy. Ali’s story highlights how love and sex can become an addiction: he saw around 3,000 prostitutes, bankrupting a family business as he chased the high of being "fallen in love with" again and again.
The discussion moves into difficult ethical territory with Gordon, a man sexually attracted to children who is deeply depressed by his own urges and determined never to offend. Through these stories, Dr Tallis argues that conditions of longing and desire must be taken seriously in psychotherapy and in society, reminding us that "we are all walking along the edge of a precipice". It might leave you wondering: how safe does your own relationship with love really feel?
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